ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?

Last night, as we snuggled up to read your bedtime story, you asked me the question Daddy and I have been half expecting. With a slight ripple across your brow and your blue eyes wide, you said: ‘Mummy, why don’t I have a brother or sister?’

Are you an only child and did you know why you became one literally? Perhaps it is a health or a financial circumstance beyond parent’s control or unfortunate situation of loss of parent making it not possible to have siblings. The parents of an only son have written a letter to him explaining their choice and decision to him alone. The letter stated that mother found out ‘last night, as we snuggled up to read your bedtime story, you asked a question Daddy and was half expecting. With slight ripple across your brow and your blue eyes wide, you said: ‘Mummy, why don’t I have a brother or sister?’ I kissed the top of your head, squeezed you closer and momentarily panicked about how on earth to answer. At four years and four months, you are clearly starting to notice many of friends at nursery talk of siblings or babies. And thankfully this time, you gave me a reprieve turning your attention straight to dinosaur story read to you.’ Last night, as we snuggled up to read your bedtime story, you asked me the question Daddy and I half expected. With a slight ripple across your brow and blue eyes wide, you said: ‘Mummy, why don’t I have a brother or sister? But I know one day the ‘why’ will become more persistent. Daddy and I are far from alone in deciding to stop at one child. Apparently by 7years, half of all families in this country will only have one offspring. Not that it stops me from feeling occasional pang of guilt. I know there will be many positives to decision like our undivided attention for starters so you never know a prickly adjustment period when a new baby arrives. How about sibling rough and tumble you’ll miss out on? A constant companionship for better or worse? I cannot pretend it hasn’t been a real dilemma. Yes, there have been moments when my resolve wobbled particularly as you get closer to starting school so baby no more. Who doesn’t get broody when they see a tiny newborn enfolded in a mother’s arms. But deep down, I know we’ve made the most responsible choice. I just hope, as you grow older, you agree. The truth is Daddy and I would loved another child but quite simply are too old. We liked the idea of two or maybe more, Daddy even hoped for twins! We imagined you all together and nobody ever short of a playmate, bundling you all into the bath after a day at the beach or the park. Sometimes I do wonder if we left it too late to start our little family. After all, we’ve been together for 19 years. Will you wonder what we were doing all that time? know many positives to our decision of undivided attention, helps you thrive. But I turned 44 last year, a day you and Daddy helped me devour the birthday cake I’d made. ‘That’s REALLY old!’ you exclaimed. In terms of having another baby, you were right. More women are have babies well into 40s and beyond but risks proven to be grater for mum and baby not least Down’s Syndrome or other birth defects. I wonder if we left it too late to start family. After all, we’ve been together for 19 years so wondering what we were doing all this time? We met through mutual friends in our mid-20s, drawn together by similarities: we’re both driven, determined, sociable and aspire to wring the most from life. But like many of our generation, chose naively it turned out to let time slip by. Distracted by careers, Daddy as a chartered surveyor and board director, and me as a journalist, we saved like mad for our future, bought property, played hard and enjoyed exciting holidays all over the world. Sometimes I do wonder if we left it too late to start our little family. For 19 years prepared in advance for your arrival. Family and friends badgered us about settling down but we felt buying a home together was the greatest commitment. I know there will be many positives to our decision — all that undivided attention, for starters, and you’ll never know that prickly adjustment period when a new baby arrives There were the more important things paying off a mortgage, for example than a wedding to spend money on. As for having a family, conscious of getting older, of course, honestly didn’t think leaving it to late 30s was a problem. After all, many friends in a similar situation. And in February 2011 of 12 years together, finally married at a beautiful country house in North Yorkshire. By then we were financially secure, happy, had bought a spacious barn conversion and wanted nothing more than to have a little family. But three months after our wedding, early one cool, grey May morning, my own beautiful, adoring mummy your granny died. She’d had cancer for four agonising years, and in the end the doctors and nurses couldn’t do anything more to save her. If I had just one wish in life it was that Granny had lived to meet you. She would have been besotted by your mischievousness, love of being silly and making people smile traits you share with her. Losing her made me all the more desperate to become a mum. I wanted to love and nurture another little person the way she’d always loved my brother and me. I longed to watch her warmth, wisdom and trademark cheerfulness live on in her grandchild. Grief stricken, I barely ate or slept for months.Grief stricken, I barely ate or slept for months. I ran for miles at a time as a coping mechanism and lost a lot of weight despite being slim anyway 

I ran for miles at a time as a coping mechanism and lost a lot of weight despite being slim anyway. Perhaps we shouldn’t have been surprised when, after almost two years of trying to have a baby, doctors confirmed that the shock of losing Granny had caused my body to shut down. I was almost 40 by so we referred for IVF. That’s when something magical happened against all the odds. In late January 2013, I went to fertility clinic in outskirt of Nottingham for some initial scans before starting a treatment. After minutes, sonographer took off her glasses, wiped a tear from her eye and said: ‘You’re not going to believe this you are already pregnant!’ I was around five weeks, but there you were on the sonographer’s screen, a microscopic dot. I cried, and couldn’t wait to tell Daddy. We were elated you arrived in September that year by a planned Caesarean section. I adored you in an instant with your cute little face and love of a cuddle. When I delve into my handbag for a lipstick and instead pull out a toy car or a dirty twig from the park that you’ve put there, it makes me smile 

But I admit I struggled emotionally for a long time. Within a space of under two and a half years went through the two significant events in a woman’s life losing my mum and having a baby of my own. Not having Granny around at that time was heart-wrenching. During the three days that you and I were in hospital, I longed for my mum to walk in, beaming and saying: ‘Aren’t you a clever girl? He’s absolutely gorgeous!’ When Gramps came alone to meet you for the first time, he hadn’t seemed more solitary since Granny’s death. In the months that followed, I’d take you for seven-mile walks in pram along the canal paths and country trails close to our home and tears would roll down my cheeks as I daydreamed about Mum walking by my side. When I delve into my handbag for a lipstick and instead pull out a toy car or a dirty twig from the park that you’ve put there, it makes me smile  What I’d give to have just one photograph of her cuddled up cheek-to-cheek with you. Daddy was wonderfully sensitive and supportive. But at times I felt very alone, as many women do after having a baby. The impossible sadness was juxtaposed by the unrivalled joy you brought to Daddy and me.I know that watching you with a little brother or sister would be a delight. But another baby now? I was 40 by the time I had you. We quickly decided it was more important to enjoy you, rather than focus on trying for another simply because the clock was ticking 

You make us laugh uncontrollably often every day with your funny little ways and your constant chatter and wonder at the world around us. I was 40 by the time I had you. You’re as affectionate and loving as you are boisterous and wilful, destined to be strong-willed given our own personalities! And even when you’re throwing a tantrum we wouldn’t want it any other way. I know watching you with a little brother or sister would be a delight. But another baby now? I was 40 by the time I had you. We quickly decided it was more important to enjoy you, rather than focus on trying for another simply because the clock was ticking. After all, there are so many couples who’d give anything to have just one child. And who’s to say it would have happened a second time, given how long it took us to have you? Plus, at what point do you draw a line under the disappointment of trying and failing? Besides, we’d found being a family of three suits all of us. I am still able to do a job I love while you’re at nursery three days a week. More importantly, Daddy and I are able to focus our attention on you rather than feeling torn between more than one child. Your energy knows no bounds and I have to run you like a dog every day to expend it. I’m not sure I could cope with another little one fizzing with such effervescence. You have always loved your sleep, too: And imagine if you had a sibling who wailed all night for months. That said, I can’t deny the occasional well of sadness: the ‘what ifs’ and fear you’ll miss out on the fun of having a sibling. If I had just one wish in life it would be that Granny had lived to meet you. She would have been besotted by your mischievousness, love of being silly and making people smile — traits you share with her Since I’ve always been so close to my own little brother your uncle Robbie, 42, who loves to tickle and dangle you upside down. Daddy and I have often looked wistfully at our friends with four kids: they’re never without a ready-made playmate. On the other hand, we know siblings who fought terribly as children and barely speak as adults. We know lots of gloriously happy, and well grounded, sociable, selfless children including your brilliant cousin, Saffron, who’s five years older than you. It was adorable watching you playing together on the beach and in the pool on a recent family holiday in Spain. How I chuckled listening to the two of you animatedly discussing favourite or not vegetables in back of car. Nobody ever questioned our decision although there are friends who still tell us: ‘Go on, have another!’ Some people assume things of an only child that they are spoilt because they don’t learn to share. Or they miss out on so much. But Daddy and I will ensure you never feel isolated or become spoilt. Bracing ourselves to hosting lots of play dates sleepovers. We’ll do everything to encourage you to continue to be sociable caring confident little boy you already are. What I’ve realised more than anything is there is actuala much shorter answer to your question. Quite simply, Daddy and I feel enormously fortunate to have one healthy, happy, hilarious little boy who fills our lives with magic every day. We have never been left wanting more.

 

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EARLY ADOLESCENT KIDS

kids-circleAdolescence starts earlier in modern generations than previous ones lasting twice as long as it did in the 1950s. So children are hitting puberty earlier than ever before said Psychology professor Laurence Steinberg who explained why to BrainwavesAdolescence is a period of life between starting puberty and becoming stable, independent adults. This time is being extended because some children begin puberty earlier.Kids-Diverse-1

Adolescence is three times as long as it was in the 19th Century and it’s twice as long as in the 1950s.
Professor Laurence Steinberg

According to Professor Steinberg, in the western world adolescence runs from age 10 or to about age 25. Professor Steinberg attributed this phenomenon of lengthening of adolescence to several surprising factors as follows:youth-world-header-large

Obesity & Man-made Chemicals

The first and most important is obesity. The kids who are fatter go through puberty earlier than the leaner kids he said. Man-Made Chemicals. There are other factors as well. One has to do with the exposure of children to endocrine-disrupting chemicals in the man-made environment. The chemicals are not just in food, they’re in cosmetics, they’re in plastics, they’re in pesticides they’re ubiquitous.” “When people are exposed to these endocrine disrupters it alters their hormonal development and many chemicals lead to earlier onset puberty mostly in girls.”hot

More SunLight exposure

The third factor that’s been discovered fairly recently has to do with exposure to sunlight.” It turns out that kids who grow up near the equator go through puberty earlier than kids who grow up near the north or south pole and that’s because, when you grow up near the equator, you have more exposure to sunlight over the course of childhood years.” While it may not be of too much concern to parents in northern Europe, recent research suggests a final factor which applies to many children here.

“Scientists discovered recently the light emanating from tablets or smartphones or computer screens can affect onset of puberty by disrupting brain’s melatonin system. Kids who spend more and more time in front of these screens especially in front of the blue light emitted by the devices probably contributed to earlier puberty as well. Light from the phones impacts brains of kids and adults.“World-Population-889x591.jpg

Adolescent Brainwaves

Brainwaves of the adolescent brain as Pennie Latin examines is relatively a young field of teenage neurology. It has revealed lack of frontal cortex ability to understand risk and consequences. And so although adolescent children may hit puberty earlier, they may not be able to handle the harsh realities of the trauma of war years, distress, rations, famine, lack of tough physical life forced upon previous generations. They worked in factories, chimney sweepers, railway as tracks as children making them more mature. They develop faster on growth spurt but face challenges of the modern generation.

DEPRESSED MUMS SINGING

Mum singing to babySinging speeds up’ recovery from post-natal depression. Singing helps mothers recover from post-natal or post partum depression more quickly study suggests. Researchers found women who took part in group singing sessions with their babies experienced much faster improvement in their symptoms than those who did not. The study, published in the British Journal of Psychiatry, looked at 134 mothers with post-natal depression. Early recovery is seen to be crucial to limit effects on mother and baby. Post-natal depression is estimated to affect one in eight new mothers. And previous studies have indicated singing can help improve the mental health of older people and those with dementia, but this is the first controlled study of its effect on post-natal depression. The women were placed into three groups:Mother and baby music group
  • one took part in group singing
  • another took part in in creative play sessions
  • a third group received their usual care, which could include family support, antidepressants or mindfulness

The singing workshops saw the mothers learning lullabies and songs from around the world with their babies and creating new songs together about motherhood. And those with moderate to severe symptoms of post-natal depression reported a much faster improvement than mothers in the usual care and play groups. All the groups improved over the 10 weeks, but in the first six weeks, singing group already reported an average 35% decrease in depressive symptoms. The Principal investigator Dr Rosie Perkins said the study, although small, was significant because it was important to tackle the symptoms as quickly as possible. “Post-natal depression is debilitating for the mothers and their families. As research indicates some women think accessible singing with their baby helps speed up recovery at one of the most vulnerable times of their lives,” she said. The lead author Dr Daisy Fancourt at University College London, said singing is another useful therapy to offer women. babies with musical instrumentsMany mothers have concerns about taking depression medication whilst breast-feeding and uptake of psychological therapies with new mothers is relatively low,” she said. “These results are really exciting as suggests something as simple as referring mothers to this community activities could support their recovery.” Dr Trudi Seneviratne, who chairs the Royal College of Psychiatrists’ Perinatal Faculty, said: “It’s exciting to hear about the growing evidence base for novel psychosocial interventions like singing to facilitate a more rapid recovery for women with post-natal depression. “I look forward to more work in this area in the future, as it will be enjoyed by both mothers and their babies.”Since the study, Breathe Arts Health Research has started running singing workshops in partnership with the Guy’s and St Thomas’ NHS Foundation Trust for women with post-natal depression across the south London boroughs of Lambeth and Southwark. Community and socialising helps overcome isolation and loneliness of new mothers. The feel good factor of singing with the babies is definitely a win- win situation lifting the mood and going out of the home helps to lift their spirit too. Isolated mothers can organise own singing sessions with friends in communities and their babies benefit too from a calm, happy, relaxed mother. If child raising is recognised or considered as a valid hardwork and to celebrate mothers and carers the world will become a better and safer place. So families must be prioritised and to help mother’s like Finland pays both parents to raise their children. Depression is caused by loneliness, pressure, stress of modern living without extended family support and children become depressed too. So it is good news to help mother’s and also to improve motherhood as an honourable collaboration with God’s idea to multiply to replenish the earth.

RELAX & ENJOY CHRISTMAS

BanDtmdIAAAqQ9GRelax and enjoy Christmas as a time of year to recount your blessings and to celebrate Jesus. Remember to thank God for sustaining your life and providing for you throughout the years. Enjoy this time of year which puts much pressure on people to spend more than ever. It is a good time to reflect and take stock of the year to assess what worked well and how to improve life next year. christmas2Above all it is good to keep in mind that Christmas is about love and the birth of Jesus Christ to save mankind. The whole world takes time to celebrate Jesus and give thanks to God for our families and our friends. Enjoy without fussing over the perfectionist details and obsessing over materialistic image, instead value the joyful festive season and be grateful and thankful for life itself. As the world gets worse it is necessary to appreciate favour of God not just material details. Christmas Day can be very difficult day for young care-leavers,” Sissay says.“For some going home for Christmas, painful and there’s arguments and dysfunction. There are young people with nowhere to go feeling sad on their own that day so feel a greater sense of loss. “It’s about making people smile to let them know they matter especially on that day.”

1400975012648So many people are homeless, or live in squalor, poor, cannot afford privilege of safe environment, in dangerous region of war zones. Thank God for the Prince of Peace Jesus and do not hurt family or friends and colleagues over your selfish bizarre stubborn behaviours that ruins the festive season. The weather affects some so can trigger unusual reactions too. With abundant alcohol and substance use can get some situations out of hand. Yet the purpose of Chtistmas is to bring joy to the world, goodwill and peace on earth. Human relations are challenged as families out of touch assemble under one roof with many shenanigans. And emotions and feeling severely tested it is good to hold tongue for sake of comprise and peace. Woman-wrapping-gifts_cejaisFun-ways-to-wrap-gifts.jpgAsk for help or advise if not sure about presents or gifts to give each person as Jesus received gifts relating to his life, call and destiny. Gifts must be relevant and meaningful to the receiver not just what you insist on giving them whether they like or want it or not. Remember the golden rule of gifts to yourself and how it makes you feel. Be kind-hearted especially with the innocent children around do not to ruin the day for them. If physically present be a part of family or rather stay distant and send presents.Dear-Tired-Mama-Its-Time-to-Relax-and-Enjoy-Christmas-1 instead of stressing all. Some might cite Christmas as a cause of breakdown of a family and their marriage. By fighting each year over Christmas among other issues toxic relationships can reach the tipping point at that time. Yet those who listen, change, adapt to enjoy Christmas but the stubborn ones continue ruining it for loved ones. Without an awareness over behaviour that the obsession with achieving that one, symbolic or perfect family causes misery not merriment. In the Bible, Jesus said in Luke 12:15, Take care and be on your guard against all covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in abundance of possessions.

407d518n663One person described themselves as a tyrant in family festive season. Fretting over every last detail for weeks ahead in a bid to make it all extra special. And refusing to delegate anything even the decorating of the tree or laying the table since none else ever got things right in their opinion. Determined everything goes according to their plans only as the control freaks the atmosphere in family home is more fearful than festive. So it seems more like a dictator than a Father Christmas sharing love, joy, happiness and kindness. Looking back, realised its not worth fussing over nitty gritty silly unnecessary details so enjoy Christmas. 

MEN DON’T WANT KIDS?

Men don’t want to repeat mistakes

The biggest reason I don't want to be a father is because I don't want to be a failure as a dad to the child the same way my dad was to me

Lots of patience some men don’t have

I tell everyone I don't want to be a dad because I can't afford it. Truth is, I've been a surrogate father before, and I had really bad anger issues. I'm afraid that I'd be an abusive father.

Some men have different life plans.

I feel like all the girls my age who are into me, already have kids. I feel bad but I can't date someone with a child because I don't want to be a father figure. It's just not for me.
WAS ADOPTED SO FELT UNWANTED 
I never want kids because I'm  adopted and I know how hard it is to feel unwanted. I wouldn't make a good father.ABANDONED SO NOT WANT KIDS
I don't want to be a father because I think I'll end up hating it and abandoning my kids.

Apples not fall far away from trees.

My partner doesn't understand I never want kids because I never want to end up turning out like my father.

NOT REALLY A FAN OF CHILDREN

I'm glad I'm gay because i hate children. i really hate children and i don't want to be a dad.

MAY RAISE KIDS AS WAS RAISED

I'm thinking about getting a vasectomy when I'm older because I don't want to be a dad and wouldn't want to raise kids like the way my father did to me
AFRAID MIGHT HURT CHILDREN 
The reason I don't want to be a father is because I'm afraid I'll hurt my child.

You don’t want to take this chance.

I secretly don't want to be a father because I'm scared I will be a horrible one.

Kids aren’t everyone’s cup of tea.

I never want kids..  Because to be honest, I don't even like kids.

Not everyone wants to be like parents

I tell people I never want kids because I don't like them. Truth is I am afraid a part of my father will come out and I will be cursed to be a terrible dad.

Has Real fears so avoids children.

I never want to be a father because mine was a complete failure, like his father, and probably his father.

 A Person’s Individuality is important

I never want kids because I don't want my whole identity to become "daddy." Among other reasons of course.

LIKES HAVING TIME TO HIMSELF

I'm a 25 year old man and I never want kids because I love having time to myself.

Some couples do not want kids

I never want kids because I've basically raised my siblings and I'm over it

Raising children lot of responsibility.

I tell people I never want kids because I hate them. The truth is that I don't want to be responsible for ruining their childhood. I couldn't live with myself knowing I screwed up

Health issues are a serious thing.

I never want kids, because I don't want to pass down my mental illness

Child pain lifelong commitment gain

I never want kids because they hold you back. As a dad you have to watch family movies, eat up at your money, don't let you travel and that's only the beginning...

Some couples do not want kids which is fair if they can afford to pay others to care for them in old age. However, deliberately refusing to bear children due to inconvenience they cause then get support from those who sacrificed to have children is interesting. This is a lifelong commitment. The real reasons men these days do not want kids are given as to why they do no want kids and others want children. Everyone has own reasons so men are opening up about why they do not want children. Not every man has a paternal instinct and desire to start a family as some men show. So not holding back in the honest confessions about why they don’t want kids in life.

Comments:-

It is good to talk to the men again in the future to reassess their current mindset. Talk to other men to discuss if they had such feelings or any regrets later in old age when it was too late. Do their real fears merit not enjoying being a parent? How about needing loved ones to look after them when older? Do they know people who live without children and managed to be alright in life? Certain decisions made precortex may not be always reversible years later.
Haven Alexander Kincaid
Not everyone NEEDS to have children to be fulfilled. Children are not the sole purpose for existing, thanks.
Like · Reply · Mark as spam · 5 · Dec 12, 2017 5:15pm
Haven Alexander Kincaid
Plus if you’re only having kids to have someone to “look after you” when you’re old, you’re having kids for the wrong damn reason.
Like · Reply · Mark as spam · 5 · Dec 12, 2017 5:16pm
Menno van Oosten
Haven Alexander Kincaid Actually, from a biological standpoint, it is. All animals except humans die as soon as they reach the age where they cannot reproduce anymore.
Like · Reply · Mark as spam · Dec 14, 2017 6:37am

There’s a lot of patience involved that some men don’t have.

2

I tell everyone I don't want to be a dad because I can't afford it. Truth is, I've been a surrogate father before, and I had really bad anger issues. I'm afraid that I'd be an abusive father.

Some men have different life plans.

3

I feel like all the girls my age who are into me, already have kids. I feel bad but I can't date someone with a child because I don't want to be a father figure. It's just not for me.

He’s experienced pain.

4

I never want kids because I'm  adopted and I know how hard it is to feel unwanted. I wouldn't make a good father.

Whoah.

5

I don't want to be a father because I think I'll end up hating it and abandoning my kids.

This apple wants to fall far away from the tree.

6

My partner doesn't understand I never want kids because I never want to end up turning out like my father.

Fatherhood isn

TEACH CHILDREN HUMILITY

A little girl sits like a princess with her parents bowing down to herTeach children humility to equip them to deal with the daily challenges of life. If a child behaves arrogantly but then expects everyone to treat them special, the parents wonder, ‘What has got into them?’ Each parent wants a child to feel good about themself​ but not to think they are better than everyone else!’So is it ever possible to teach a child humility in a good way without damaging self-worth? Can child be disciplined enough to understand the difference between humility, pride and entitlement as ‘your majesty the child. It is important to let the child understand respect for self and others including the parents. The parents cannot indulge the child at beck and call go become a spoilt brat and antisocial unable to relate with other children or respect authority.102017208_univ_lsr_mdYOU SHOULD KNOW

In recent decades, parents have been encouraged to yield to their children’s desires; to praise them generously, even if they did nothing praiseworthy; to withhold correction and discipline. It was thought that if children were made to feel special, they would grow up with healthy self-esteem. What has results shown? The book Generation Me states: that “Instead of creating well-adjusted, happy children, self-esteem movement created army of little narcissists.” The children raised with an unconditional praise have grown up unprepared for disappointments, criticism, occasional failure. Because of being taught to focus on their own desires, they find it hard as adults to form lasting relationships. As a result, many suffer from anxiety and depression. Children develop real self-worth, not by being constantly told they are special, but through genuine accomplishments. That requires more than believing in themselves. They need to learn, practice, and refine chosen skills carefully. Proverbs 22:29 says they also need to care about other people’s needs. 1 Corinthians 10:24 emphasises all thess require humility.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Give praise when it is truly deserved. If your daughter scores well on a school test commend her. If she gets low grade, do not automatically blame the teacher. That would hardly help your daughter learn humility. Help her to see how she may do better next time and reserve praise for actual accomplishment.

Give correction when necessary. This does not mean you should criticize your child for every mistake. Colossians 3:21 says serious errors should be corrected as well as wrong attitudes. Otherwise, these become deeply ingrained. For example, suppose your child shows a tendency to brag, if uncorrected they could become conceited and begin to alienate others. Explain to the child that boasting makes them look bad and that it could set them up for embarrassment as Proverbs 27:2 warns. Explain, that a person with balanced view of self does not feel the need to broadcast  abilities to others. Giving correction in spirit of love, you will teach humility without hurting self-respect.​ The Bible instructs parents on children’s input and Bible principles in Matthew 23:12.

Prepare your child for life’s realities. Indulging a child’s every wish can cause him to feel entitled. So, for example, if your child wants something you cannot afford, explain why it is necessary to live within a budget. If you have to cancel an outing or a vacation, you could explain that disappointments are part of life and perhaps discuss how you deal with such disappointments. Rather than shield your children from every hardship, prepare them for challenges they face as adults says Proverbs 29:21.

Encourage giving. Prove to your child that “there is more happiness in giving than in receiving as Acts 20:35 shows. Together prepare list of people in need of help with shopping, transportation, or repair work. Then take your child along as you assist some of them. Allow your child to see your joyful satisfaction as you care for the needs of others. That way you will teach your child humility in the most powerful way​ by example. according Luke 6:38.

WHY MEN LEAVE FAMILIES

Women-Do-that-Cause-Men-to-LeaveWhy does a man leave his wife and his children for another woman? An advice column in a local paper recently had a poignant letter, timed close to Father’s Day. It alluded to other several previous columns. The first consisted of letters from children whose fathers who left families for another woman. Another had been from a woman who wanted to know why her husband had sought a one-night sexual tryst with another woman and had asked how a decent, educated man who supposedly loved his wife could do such an “unspeakable” thing. I hadn’t seen previous columns but I felt the pain and bewilderment from this letter. A woman wanted to know whether men had written to tell their stories. The writer said she hoped such letters would help her understand her own abandonment. Let me as a social psychologist take a stab at trying to imagine what happens inside some of these men, to prompt them to turn to other women. I want to make very clear that none of this is designed to excuse or justify immoral acts. This is intended as an exercise in social science, not moralizing at all. Indeed, as I wrote in my book Evil: Inside Human Violence and Cruelty, if we want to understand people who do things we disapprove, it is essential to set aside disapproval and moral judgments temporarily, in order to try to see how things look to them.jacobs-coffee-dad-is-leaving-small-17876

What do we know about such men? Not much but apparently its quite common. Society condemns them without much effort to understand or accommodate them. It doesn’t help advice columns, relationship authorities, and moral discourse are dominated by women. It is hard to understand the perpetrators from the victim’s perspective. Men who leave wives and children for another partner present a difficult problem for society. Let us suspend moralizing for a moment to understand them. Possibly some of them are simply immature and irresponsible and give not a thought or care to wife and little ones left behind. More likely many of these men agonize and suffer over the loss of their family. Society has not made it easy for the men who desire more sex. Marriage demand that desires only his wife. Standing at the altar reciting her wedding vows, the bride may be utterly beautiful and sexy and desirable, and perhaps he thinks he can desire only her forever. But what happens? She ages, gains weight, maybe loses interest in sex. Research has found that most wives are satisfied with the amount of sex in their marriage, while most husbands wish for substantially more than they get. The implication is that for many men, marriage means years and years of sexual frustration.How-a-stressful-marriage-can-lead-to-depression

The man is told to respect wife’s wishes. When she does not want sex, he should not push her to engage in it. Although it sounds reasonable and decent but given well documented fact women want sex less frequently than men is condemned to countless nights of helpless wishes for sex. And that’s assuming he desires her. What is he supposed to feel when she becomes less attractive to him? We have all heard endless and sympathetic discussions about how hard it is for women to see beautiful female models depicted in the media, because ordinary women feel they cannot live up to those idealized images. What about how hard those same images are on men? How are they supposed to continue desiring only their wives when they constantly see countless images of slim, gorgeous women all around? Mandatory divorce laws pull men apart from their families. If man finds a woman for sex with him and wants to form relationship, society puts obstacles in his path. He is told he cannot marry the new woman unless he divorces his previous wife first. A wife at a time, that’s the rule: If you want a new one, you must first get rid of the previous one. There is some ambiguity as to whether the monogamy rule was designed for the benefit of men or of women, but regardless of its intent, its function is to force many men to choose between sex and family. We should not be surprised though not approve some men choose sex. Meanwhile, what’s to hold them back? It is hard personally to imagine a man who does not love his children deeply, though I suspect such men do exist. Intuitively, my powers of empathy fail to make the case of a man casually abandoning his children. But I could imagine him deciding to leave them anyway, if in grip of passionate love and sexual desire for someone other than his wife, and when he sees society requires him to leave his family in order to experience that love and sex.1297970059685_ORIGINAL

Consider how hard alternative choice must be for some men. Imagine a man whose wife long ago stopped wanting to have sex with him most of the time. And his desire for her diminished as well, as she stopped flirting with him or started nagging or simply added pounds and wrinkles with the years. He has found someone new, with whom the sex is great and the emotional connection is blossoming into love. We as a society ask him to turn his back on this promise of love and sex, out of obligation to his wife and children. He thinks he sees the opportunity to have great sex every day with the new woman (it is often thus in the beginning, and may well have been that way long ago with his wife), and we ask him to give that up forever. Some wives do not allow their husbands to watch porn or masturbate so choosing to stay with his family means giving up most or all sexual pleasure for the rest of his life. A man who gives up love and sex to remain with family might think he deserves credit and appreciation for this difficult choice and sacrifice. Sadly, he is not likely to get it in many cases. If he had an affair, he may be made to feel guilty for having it, rather than made to feel noble for electing to stay with his family in the end. I don’t know whether the men think of this when they are pondering whether to stay or leave, but surely some must expect their wives will be inducing guilt more than their lovers, for that is almost certainly what is happening right during period when he is deciding. His wife may bring up the affair in future years, and he will always have to suffer the guilt over it. Or at least he may anticipate this even if it is not true. What about fatherhood? What society, including psychology, told him about it? This is part of the tragedy. Society wants men to accept obligations of fatherhood but are not respected for doing so. In media, fathers are mostly portrayed as clueless, hapless buffoons or, occasionally, violent abusers. Social policy and social science have affirmed for decades it is perfectly fine a woman raises children without husband, father.Mommy-Dear-Esq.jpg

Possibly message was initially intended to encourage and support women who found themselves in a widow or single-parent situation, but men have all heard message fathers are unnecessary. If an honest open-minded look is taken at the social science publications on fathers, you can find plenty of support for the view there is no need to stay, children of single mothers do just fine, departed father must continue to send money. So other views here and there vary but society rushed to remove the stigma of single motherhood plenty of confident reporting of findings says fatherlessness is not a handicap if children do well too. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying I approve of men abandoning families. Moral judgments are not implied here. The goal is to try to imagine what could prompt a man to choose to leave his family. Perhaps, then, we can begin to understand this supposedly mysterious sort of man who although “supposedly” loving his wife can desire sex with another woman and might even at some point decide to leave wife and child for her. Consider his decision options. The option of having a bit of extra sex and remaining with his family is perhaps not available to him, though might be what he most wants. Society does not approve his wife not tolerate. The law requires him to choose. I am reminded of a character in a television skit I saw as impressionable teenager. The man said marriage was harder than being in the army, because army gave him a furlough now and then. That’s all he wanted. “I will come back,” he said. I always came back from furlough.”working-mom-with-kid

On the one side, he sees sex and love. Society extols love as one of the highest good things. Sex may not enjoy quite as much official cultural prestige, but he doesn’t need culture to tell him to want sex. He already wants it from his core. The downside of this choice is that he has to leave his wife and children. But remember, he has been told over and over that they do not really need him and will be OK without him. Looking around, it seems, everybody’s doing it. On the other side, he can stay with his family. He can cling to his role of father, which society disrespects. It is a familiar life that he knows well and may or may not find pleasant. It means giving up sex for the most part, perhaps almost a de facto vow of celibacy. Certainly alliance with other woman will not endear him to his wife or made her seem sexually desirable to him. He will be reminded of his affair and made to feel guilty on future occasions. Sad to say, this choice, which the culture would prefer him to make, may appear to him as being a sucker. Again, I’m not moralizing, just trying to understand. But when you look at it from his point of view, we should perhaps not be surprised that some men opt for change. It’s worth adding that men who leave their families are often sorry later. The relationship with the new woman may follow the same pattern, with great sex and passion at first, but less over time. Perhaps the man finds himself in the same position he was in with his previous wife. He thought it would be great forever, but often things do not go that way. One can see it as stupid or tragic that he causes suffering in the pursuit of happiness but the happiness eventually eludes him again. Still, at the time he is making the choice, it is his expectation that is decisive, even if the expectation may turn out to be wrong.

Originally Published in Psychology Today by Roy Baumiers