679px-Kramskoi_Christ_dans_le_désertJesus wept so it is alright and necessary to cry from pain, sorrow, grief, loss, abandonment bereavement, fear, tears of joy. Cry if you feel a need to do so privately or in public discreetly. It is a misconception crying is a sign of embarrassment and weakness so told not to cry so be tough and hide true feelings. Some conceal it all cost so internalize feelings and then implode through anger, hurts, undealt with vitriol or unresolved health issues. Crying is the response to overwhelming emotions so some people cry easily than others during times of intense sadness, profuse joy or overwhelming relief. It is natural part of creation in the “image of God” in Genesis 1:27 as Bible describes of having qualities and emotions of God. Jesus lived on earth among and felt full human emotions in Hebrews 4:15 so expressed feelings so wept on behalf of people in John 11:35, Luke 19:41. Jesus wept in Garden of Gethsemane during intense prayer night of arrest, crying God stop imminent death in Matthew 26:38-39 and Hebrews 5:7. In hard times King David cried and worshipped God.king-david-playing-the-harp-1024x971In days of Jesus’ life on earth He offered prayers, petitions and fervent cries and tears to God to save people from death. God heard Jesus because of His reverent submission so sent an angel to comfort Him in sorrow.” Since Jesus is God in the flesh, we can say that, when Jesus cried, God cried. God-Man Jesus experienced human life and as Spiritual God became man endured pain, human experience. Jesus identified with grief and sorrow, sheds actual real tears due emotions, pain, sorrow on behalf of all mankind that overwhelmed Him. Jesus has emotions so understands the need and importance of expressing feelings to be in control of His mind. Although Lord God, He chose to make Himself emotionally responsive to our choices.

• He sorrows against sin (Genesis 6:6; Psalm 78:40).
• He is sad if rejected (Isaiah 65:1–3; Jeremiah 8:19).
• He grieves idolatry and worldliness (Exodus 20:5;34:14; Joshua 24:19).
• He rejoices with love over His children (Zephaniah 3:17; Isaiah 62:5).
• He hates wickedness (Psalm 5:5;11:5; Proverbs 6:16).
• Has great compassion for His creation (Psalm 103:8; Joel 2:13).

2015327_univ_cnt_3_mdJoseph cried because he understood what brothers were saying and had to turn aside so that they could not see his tears in Genesis 42:21-24. He knew real repentance involved feeling of regret over consequences of sin so proceeded to forgive them and told them what the devil meant for evil God turned to good to Bless all nations from famine. So did Jesus instead of vengeance sacrificed His Life as ransom for many. Scripture says He could ask LORD God of heaven’s armies (Zechariah 8:14; Isaiah 22:14) to rescue Him if He wanted to. Jesus cries tears to show us God’s sorrow in a very human way. Jesus came to help people understand God so told disciples “If you see me, you’ve seen Father God” (John 14:9). His experiences expressions help us open up to bring understanding incomprehensible grief. So experienced gruesome pain on the Cross to compare with human grief is hard to understand such spiritual realities. Jesus showed us the Father in physical comparison only way to grasp sacrifice and atonement for sin from Gospel Truth. So, the Bible records Jesus Wept for us to know He understands our feelings. He created us with ability to weep, allowed Himself to weep in the flesh as a good example. In the Bible there are numerous examples of many people who cried and wept on various occasions. This is so reassuring to confirm to people crying is a normal part of life so it is perfectly acceptable.IMG_20180319_180601

Crying is a relief from trapped emotion in moment of pain. God uses tears or crying feeling to helps overcome to prevail not to be anxious, stressed, fearful, overwhelmed says Isaiah 46:11. Jesus understands us so weeps with us in same way for same reasons to comfort us and intercede on our behalf before Father God. The world say men don’t cry, but in the Bible the strongest people cry out to God as Jesus God in the flesh did, David cried, Joseph and Peter wept. Cry on God’s shoulders in prayer and allow Him to comfort you as Psalm 34:17, The righteous cry out to God for help in times of distress and God hears. Jesus during the Last Supper told Peter he will deny and disown him 3 times. It written in Bible in Gospel of Matthew 26:33-35, Gospel of Mark 14:29-31, the Gospel of Luke 22:33-34 and the Gospel of John 13:36-38. The denial accounts in Gospels show repeated denial of Peter among people. Peter remembered what Jesus said during the Passover so went outside to weep bitterly. After Jesus resurrected from death on the third day, He visited disciples in the Upper room in John 21:15-17. So Jesus asked Peter 3 times if he loved Jesus and Peter said yes so repented and forgiven by Jesus who made Peter the rock on which to build His Church and Peter became the first head of the church. Peter cried for his sins so Jesus saw his genuine regret and forgave Peter. King Solomon said there is a time to cry and weep in life. It is essential to allow men to cry not to mask pain with alcohol or substance but to let raw pain out to wash out their grief, anger, bitterness among others. The Bible says weeping may endure for a season but not comes in the morning so blessed are those who weep now for the shall laugh in eternal life. In heaven there is no more pain, weeping, sorrow, grief, lamentations, crying because GOD HIMSELF comforts us and takes all pain away. Therefore in heaven is a glorious presence of refreshing joy forevermore.

Crying & Weeping Bible Verses:

Genesis 23:2Sarah died in Kiriath-arba (Hebron) in land of Canaan; Abraham mourned for Sarah and to weep for her.

Psalm 42:3Tears are my food day and night they say to me where is your God.

Revelation 5:4Then I began to weep greatly because no one was found worthy to open book or to look into it;

“Genesis 27:38Esau said to his father, Do you have just one blessing, my father? Bless me, me, father Esau lifted his voice and wept.

Genesis 37:35His sons and daughters rose to comfort him, but refused to be comforted said, Surely I will go down to Sheol mourning for my son.” So his father wept for him.

Judges 11:37She said to her father, “Let this thing be done for me; let me alone two months, go to the mountains and weep because of my virginity, I and my companions.”

Ruth 1:9“May the LORD grant that you may find rest, each in the house of her husband.” Then she kissed them, and they lifted up their voices and wept.

1 Samuel 1:8Then Elkanah her husband said to her, “Hannah, why do you weep and not eat and why is your heart sad? Am I not better to you than ten sons?”

1 Samuel 20:41When the lad was gone, David rose from the south side and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed three times They kissed each other and wept together, but David wept the more.

2 Samuel 3:16Her husband went with her, weeping as he went, and followed her as far as Bahurim. Then Abner said to him, “Go, return.” So he returned.

2 Samuel 13:1Tamar put ashes on her head and tore her long-sleeved garment on her; and put her hand on her head so went away crying loudly as she went.

2 Samuel 15:30David went up the ascent of the Mount of Olives, and wept as he went, and his head was covered and walked barefoot. All the people who were with him each covered his head and went up weeping as they went.

2 Samuel 18:33The king was deeply moved and went up to the chamber over the gate and wept. And thus he said as he walked, “O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! I should die instead of you Absalom, my son!”

2 Kings 8:11He fixed his gaze on him so ashamed, and the man of God wept.

2 Kings 13:14Elisha sick with illness to die, Joash the king of Israel came to him wept and said, “My father, my father, chariots of Israel and its horsemen!”

2 Kings 20:3“Remember O LORD, how I walked before You in truth with whole heart and did what is good in Your sight Hezekiah wept bitterly.

Job 16:16“My face worn from weeping, And deep darkness is on my eyelids,

Psalm 39:12“Hear my prayer, O LORD, and give ear to my cry; Do not be silent at my tears; For I am a stranger with You, A sojourner like all my fathers.

Psalm 56:8Take account of my crying, put my tears in Your bottle and book.

Psalm 102:9 I have eaten ashes like bread mingled my drink with weeping

John 11:33Jesus saw her weeping and Jews who came with her weeping was deeply moved in spirit and troubled,

John 20:11Mary was standing outside the tomb weeping; and so, as she wept, she stooped and looked into the tomb;

Deuteronomy 34:8Sons of Israel wept for Moses in the plains of Moab thirty days; then the days of weeping and mourning for Moses came to an end.

Psalm 137:1By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept and remembered Zion.

Numbers 14:1The congregation lifted up their voices, cried, people wept all night.

1 Samuel 11:4-5The messengers came to Gibeah of Saul and spoke these words in the hearing of the people, and all the people lifted up their voices and wept.

1 Samuel 30:4 David and people with him lifted their voices and wept until no strength in them to weep anymore.

2 Samuel 1:12They mourned, wept, fasted till evening for Saul and his son Jonathan and the people of the LORD and house of Israel, because they had fallen by the sword.

2 Samuel 1:2“O daughters of Israel, weep over Saul, Who clothed you luxuriously in scarlet, put ornaments of gold on your apparel.

2 Samuel 3:34“Your hands not bound, or your feet put in fetters as one falls before the wicked, you have fallen.” And all the people wept again over him.

Job 2:12When they lifted their eyes at a distance did not recognize him, raised their voices and wept. Tore his robe and threw dust over their heads toward sky.

Psalm 80:4-5O LORD God of hosts, how long will You be angry with prayer of Your people?

Isaiah 15:2-3They went to temple, Dibon to high places to weep. Moab wails over Nebo and Medeba everyone’s head  bald and every beard is cut off.

Isaiah 33:7Brave men cry in streets, The ambassadors of peace weep bitterly.

Mark 5:38They came to the synagogue official home, saw commotion, people loudly weeping and wailing.

Acts 21:13Paul answered, “Why, weep and break my heart? I am ready to be bound and to die at Jerusalem for the name of Lord Jesus.”

Matthew 26:75Peter remembered word Jesus said, “Before a rooster crows, you will deny Me 3 times so wept bitterly.

Mark 14:72Rooster crowed second time. Peter remembered Jesus made remark to him, “Before rooster crows twice, you will deny Me three times began to weep.

Luke 22:62He went and wept bitterly.

1 Samuel 2:33‘I will not cut off men of from My altar but eyes will fail weeping and soul grieve increase of house dead in the prime of life.

Luke 7:38Standing behind Him at His feet, wept, wet His feet with tears, and kept wiping them with hair of her head, kissing His feet anointed with perfume.

Hebrews 12:17Afterwards, he desired to inherit blessing, was rejected, found no place for repentance with tears.

Nehemiah 8:9Nehemiah, the governor, and Ezra the priest and scribe, and the Levites who taught the people said to all the people, “This day is holy to the LORD your God; do not mourn or weep.” For all the people were weeping when they heard the words of the law.

Jeremiah 3:21A voice heard weeping by supplication for sons of Israel perverted their way,  forgot the LORD their God.

James 5:1Come now, you rich, weep and howl for miseries are coming upon you.

Numbers 25:6Then behold, one of the sons of Israel came and brought to his relatives a Midianite woman, in the sight of Moses and in the sight of all the congregation of the sons of Israel, were weeping at the doorway of the tent of meeting.

Deuteronomy 1:45“Returned and wept before the LORD; but the LORD did not listen to your voice nor give ear to you.

Judges 20:26The sons of Israel and all people went up and came to Bethel and wept, remained before the LORD fasted until evening. Offered burnt offerings and peace offerings before the LORD.

Judges 21:2People came to Bethel and sat there before God until evening, and lifted up their voices and wept bitterly.

Ezra 3:12-13Many of priests, Levites and heads of fathers’ households, old men who saw first temple, wept with loud voice when foundation of house laid before their eyes shouted aloud for joy,

Isaiah 22:12-13In that day the Lord GOD of hosts called you to weeping, wailing, shaving head and wearing sackcloth.

Jeremiah 25:34“Wail, you shepherds cry wallow in ashes, you masters of the flock, days of your slaughter dispersions have come to fall like choice vessel.

Jeremiah 31:9“With weeping they will come, And by supplication I will lead them; I will make them walk by streams of waters, On a straight path in which they will not stumble; For I am a father to Israel, And Ephraim is My firstborn.”

Jeremiah 50:4 At that time,” declares the LORD, “sons of Israel will come, they and the sons of Judah as well; they will go along weeping as they go, and it will be the LORD their God they will seek.

Lamentations 1:2She weeps bitterly in the night And her tears are on her cheeks; She has none to comfort her Among all her lovers All her friends have dealt treacherously with her; They became her enemies.

Lamentations 2:18Their heart cried out to the Lord, wail daughter of Zion let tears run down like river day and night; Give yourself no relief, eyes no rest.

Joel 2:12“Even now,” declares the LORD, “Return to Me with all your heart, And with fasting, weeping and mourning;

Amos 5:16-17Thus says the LORD God of hosts, “There is wailing in plazas, streets ‘Alas! Alas!’ They call farmers to mourn, professional mourners to lamentation.

Amos 8:10“I will turn your festivals into mourning your songs into lamentation; And bring sackcloth on everyone’s loins, baldness on every head And make it like a time of mourning for an only son, And the end of it will be like a bitter day.

Zechariah 12:10-11 “I will pour out on the house of David and on the inhabitants of Jerusalem, the Spirit of grace and of supplication, so that they will look on Me whom they have pierced; and they will mourn for Him, as one mourns for an only son, and they will weep bitterly over Him like the bitter weeping over a firstborn.

Matthew 8:12The sons of the kingdom will be cast out into outer darkness; in that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

Psalm 119:136My eyes shed streams of water for not keeping Your law.

Jeremiah 13:17If you do not listen My soul will sob in secret for your pride my eyes bitterly weep flowing down with tears as flock of the LORD taken captive.

2 Corinthians 2:4Out of affliction and anguish of heart I wrote to you with many tears; not to be made sorrowful, but to know my love for you.



IMG_20180314_170036One most heart wrenching experience we had is dealing with young people who feel sharing chronic life pain with others is embarrassing and belittling oneself. Therefore pain is concealed to prevent humiliation and being mocked as weak. When one is feeling well and able to contain pain within reasonable strength, it may be alright. The issue is the body can only take so much pain at a time. This means containing the pain is limited to circumstances and critical condition affecting ability to hold pain. Internal damage, if not detected early delays, inhibits and prevents treatment. Keeping up appearances, not revealing true pain affects treatment. Not wanting to come across as a ‘crying baby’ means some refuse to tell their doctors, nurses their true extent of pain. Any unusual unfamiliar pain surfacing in the body on and off needs equal attention as the ongoing obvious chronic pain. Please even if pain seems insignificant get checked to eliminate doubt or confirm need for treatment. Many fear being labeled a hypochondriac so they ignore pain until it festers beyond treatment. With health budget cuts it is essential to get to hospital early for a third-party service to be arranged to arrive on time. Health services are stretched beyond measure so few staff available to attend to urgent calls, shortage of beds, among lack of resources. Waiting hours, days for emergency kits delays treatments so client deteriorates in some cases. IMG-20180314-WA0004 It is important to attend hospital early at first sign of symptoms because delay causes damage to organs due to lack of detection for appropriate treatment. If pain delayed alright in past, remember things changing so fast one cannot take life for granted anymore. The body’s immune system is impacted by pain and potential to heal faster. A fairly healthy body responds faster to treatment than body damaged and failing although best treatment is given. Attend appointments ask people to buy daysaver for you, pay for your medications or go with you as a friend to support you during treatment. Do not worry or feel embarrassed by an illness or condition because others don’t walk in your shoes so never understand your pain. Do not be stoic, macho about illness thinking the people will laugh at you. Your life is precious so take hold of life and preserve your body as much as you can. Chronic pain affects physical body, mind, emotions, drains, causes pressure, stress, makes person passive, tired, affects finances too. Many years of dealing with chronic pain impacts joy, lifestyle, family, interaction, friends and colleagues. Be kind and help discreetly, invite them for meals, shopping, give token gift cards, vouchers help them. when-problems-comes-into-your-life-like-a-non-stop-rain-30859647Punitive insurance is very detrimental to congenital health issues so some do not disclose in case it is used against them. Chronic pain affects all aspects of life studies, exams, college, university and employment. Constantly iinterrupts life events surrounding the whole family supporting them. It is quite sad in the midst of superabundance many people with chronic health issues cannot heat their home, eat hot food essential for good health. They hide their needs so not do not share personal details of life as they feel embarrassed. Many live in extreme poverty, punished by system in pain unable to attend GP’s appointments. DWP asking GP to ‘prove’ that a lifelong permanent illness needs medical certificate hurts, is exhausting to chase doctors appointment. People with congenital problems for life need support to manage their lives rather than prove really ill. The one size fits all approach assessment is inappropriate so refusing to pay them income support frustrates them and humiliates them. Unable to hold down jobs due to health problems feel sad because of lack of permanent department for treatment moved around wards. And takes hours, days, weeks for the critical emergency care resources to arrive, put person on hold. It is really unfortunate essential health is delayed, limited by resources so one cannot have a last attitude to health. It is necessary to eat, sleep, rest, educate the people around you about health matters so they do not think you are act weird. No one wants to focus entire life on painful lifestyle so prefer to keep it quiet disclosed to few trusted people. It’s difficult to seek help, and to intervene in such cases. However breaking confidentiality is necessary if at risk to themselves and need urgent help. They will thank you later when they get better so seek help on their behalf and get the right team to help the recovery process. Do not feel meddling in their private life or business because longterm chronic illness affects clarity, thinking and a decision making process. Dealing with chronic pain affects skills, employment, cumbersome student loan debts do not have any regular source of income. Please kindly help them with donations no matter how small some say they are alright, do not need help. In reality it is because they feel embarrassed or shy not wanting to burden others with their problem, prevents them asking for help. Such a behaviour is detrimental to their health, not eating properly, starving not living with heating, unable to afford bus fare for hospital appointments or to buy prescriptions ultimately affects chronic pain sufferer’s health and well-being to thrive. Worst of all punished by policies that do not consider genetic disorder or chronic pain as deserving support so no funds given so live without any income. No matter age of adult dependant cared for ensure you advocate on their behalf by power of attorney to negotiate best help available for them. Directly contact GPs, consultants, third-party front line service providers to meticulously seek help because they become so exhausted and worn out dealing with the longterm pain. Above all, God is the healer who did surgery and took Adam’s rib used to create Eve, yet Adam healed instantly so woke up immediately and saw his wife. Seek God’s Divine intervention to heal pain of loved one in the mind, body and soul resurrected in Christ into eternity. Be faithful and loyal not to grow weary in well doing because taking care of the loved one can take its toll on feelings or emotions. Ask for strength from God to do your duties in love as unto the LORD knowing your reward is in heaven. Bear with loved ones, chronic pain affects all areas of life. Be there for them, pray for strength to live in peace of God passing all human understanding in the Name of Jesus. Bless and tell them about love of Jesus and eternal life in Christ.


traumaticbereavement-thirdTraumatic tragic death bereavement is completely unexpected loss, worst form of grief people go through. Suddenly changes lifeplan dramatically, cancels activities so a shock to the system. One minute conversation is taking place about life but the next minute subject changes to unexpected death. It is most painful if the person appeared healthy, full of life with a great future suddenly cut short by death. The numbing shock of loss is hard to sink in and feels that loved one is about to walk through the door home. Seems like a dream, surreal but wide awake with sleepless nights so deep within the heart an overwhelming pain lingers on. Everyday passes by without a text, contact or phone call, facebook so realises it must be really true. Shock is a normal reaction and unbelief deceased person is really no longer with us here on earth. Sudden change of plans means numbness while taking in loss starting to sink in. Though we understand death as part of life it does not make it easier to accept. Death is painful and difficult to experience it hurts beyond belief and complicated. At times pain seems insurmountable but support and a therapy can help to understand, accept and ease the pain. After death of a loved one life is never the same but talking therapy helps to provide skills and tools to assist with creation of the new normal to integrate life into new existence. Annette was on the way to mortuary when Julia phoned to support death of daughter Amber, aged four, who drowned in a swimming pool, and going to see her body. Many people would not call at that moment they feel encroaching on a raw traumatic grief. bottomJulia, friend of couple, a psychotherapist specialises in dealing with loss knows when people in throes of overwhelming grief, sharing the pain is the only thing that makes even the tiniest difference. Grief professionals don’t have endowed special powers its empathy compassion. Phil answered the phone, so Julia liked to say something to make it better but knew nothing could do that, so she said the only thing she could. “I am terribly sorry to hear your daughter, Amber, has died; I’m sorry the devastating pain that has happened to you. How can I help?” 25 years as grief psychotherapist taught Julia great deal about human condition that focus on grief means focus on life, loss exposes things that matters about a person, their strengths and weaknesses. When someone dies, it reveals faultlines in bereaved family, even deepest, most hidden ones. If you know about loss you know about family, about love, survival, resilience and strength. Knowing about loss means you know about life. But there is a paradox at the centre of loss, and it is this. Grief is the most intense pain there is, and we will do anything to avoid pain. So we run away from it; we run away from our own grief, and we run away from others’ grief. Yet, says running away from grief means we will not recover but embracing helps move through the agony and deal with pain. bereavement-and-traumatic-grief-counselling-pinnacle-therapy-counselling-in-london

Allowing ourselves to be while it washes over us, is only way to survive because we have to feel the worst in order to let it change us. Then we can start to find out who we are going to be in wake of it. This is the message at the heart of Julia’s new book, Grief Works. “If you ignore grief and push it down, you can live and you can function, but you live a very narrow emotional life because using emotional energy to cope,” she said. “Everything in psyche will be squashed down, and that means small things can trigger a much bigger kind of effect. The fact is to do the work of grieving. You have to let it run its course. Pain is agent of change; pain allows you to change, it enables you to reach a new reality.” Her book traces journeys of many of the bereaved people she has walked alongside; she describes how she wept and mourned with them. “let clients know what they say has an impact: Tell them when feels shocked, sad or upset,” she says. So talk about relationship with bereaved and a relationship with friends in service of a deceased. Say what you feel if thinking about them if it’s useful to share. One of the many moving stories in her book is that of Bill and Sally, whose 13-year-old son Matthew died of rare virus. Sally tells Julia losing her son has made her feel dead, no more expectations of life; so does not want to go on living. “I said quite plainly, although she was giving up on herself, I refused to; I would fight for her, held her and whispered hidden strength within her said, to live.’ Julia, in 50s, mother of 4 grown up children, grandmother of four, vivacious and fun: has time to feel recharged with life. You know it helps feeling of clients who like Sally regain joy to be alive again. Helps Julia’s interest in answering questions on experiences of traumatic loss to help open hearts for the healing process.17848

There are two sorts of loss, says Julia: expected loss and traumatic loss. And perhaps, for one in her profession, her own losses have all been expected ones. Her father died at 87, sad, grieved but it not traumatic loss. Bereavement work involves charity Birthright, Well-being of Wo/men made her aware of the pain of losing a baby although wonders was unconsciously influenced by parent’s loss of three parents and three siblings by the time they were 25. “Everything seemed OK, but thinks back aware of some unresolved grief. Almost only personal experience of a shocking, out-of-nowhere, loss figures such death brought loss closer and changed how to deal with grief. Julia was a close friend of Princess Diana, a connection echoed when asked by William and Kate to be a godmother to Prince George in 2013. That is, she says, a very joyful role lots of fun, and the chance to enjoy the little boy as he grows up but she doesn’t want to say much about it or Diana, save she agrees her death made difference to the nation’s approach to grief. So, too, she says, did other major shifts of history, especially the first and second world wars. “Our parents, parents of people of my generation, were the generation that couldn’t afford to grieve. Were parented by survivors of first world war simply to survive but modern luxury means able to deal with it differently.”traumaticbereavement-fullwidth

Despite public outpouring of grief after Diana’s death, doesn’t think most people are sufficiently aware impact traumatic bereavement has, the ripples it leaves or how long they persist. As someone who experienced a traumatic loss at the age of nine, when three-year-old sister was killed in road accident agrees with her analysis. It is 44 years since death, and shockwaves still reverberate in the family: everyone is different because of it, next generation touched by it in ways too subtle for them to fully understand.

Traumatic losses shape future of family as subject of great interest to Julia; so, is the way men and women deal with loss differently. Men, tend to want to move on to make plans, to focus on new horizons. Women on other hand want to spend more time remembering the person who died so want to immerse themselves in the pain. But the fact is, each can learn from others. “You have to do both things: you must have time to grieve and mourn and other time when you have break from the grief. You can create circumstances where you grieve, and circumstances where you move on; so men and women help one another. IMG_20180303_141134He can help her go for a walk to a park or gallery can help him talk about how he feels to express some of his loss.” The problems set in when individuals fails to understand the pattern of grief in the other; they think of them as selfish or they don’t care enough, but it isn’t about that due to the different ways of coping. Grieving is an intensely individual and incredibly lonely experience, which can make it difficult time in family, group of people going through something sparked by same event, but is in each case very differentThe way to cope, is be open in communicating feelings to others in your family. Families that fare best share feelings openly when a death disrupts complex finely tuned balance in a family. So needs a reorganised and open approach to help with process.”

At the beginning, and this is especially true of a traumatic loss, the grief is all-consuming: but over time, says Julia, you find you are starting to live again. The mistake some make, though, is believing they can go back to being the way they were. “Some people say, ‘This isn’t going to change us.’ But that’s not how it is: and it’s when you recognise that bereavement is a life-shattering experience, and that you have to grieve and rebuild, that you can move on positively into a new phase of life. originalYou don’t forget the person who’s gone; you can never do that, and you should not worry that you’re going to. But you keep them in memory so their loss helps you become a new person you become; and maybe in the end is greatest tribute to make to anyone who passed to Glory. Grief affects us all so hope in God and read HIS beautiful WORDS in Bible to guide prayers. Powerful scriptures will help you face feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It is very normal to feel it is not really true the person is still alive soo will be at home, then in shock, angry they died, hoping the loved one comes back alive, realising they passed on into Glory and finally accepting loss and accepting new unexpected sudden sad changes of life. Crying, weeping, feeling low not eating properly, sad, confused, depressed are all part of feelings of pain, hurt of loss, bereavement, grieving and mourning. It is normal to feel helpless, lost without a loved one with deep sorrow and pain. One helpful action is remember a loved does not want your life destroyed and ruined because of them. They see you in heaven so like you to live and continue life despite feeling changes happening. There’s no shame in being sad. The life we’ve been given was never promised free of pain or sorrow so during times we hurt most run to God and HIS Word for peace and comfort. Psalm 117:7 says God cares about death of the righteous.listingbereavement-jesus-wept

Help from family and friends 

Listening. Be a friend who is prepared to give their time, to listen and to acknowledge the extent of your friend’s loss. Listening is the key. Bear witness, and allow your friend to be upset, to be confused and contradictory, or to say nothing at all. Every time they tell their story once more, or are allowed to say how important the person who has died was, burden of carrying pain on their own is incrementally a little lighter.

It’s not about you. Follow a mourner’s lead: they may not want to talk about their grief right now, or with you. It is good to say something to acknowledge their loss, but then let them have the control they need, they had none over death so choose to talk or not. If they ask you to come and be with them, and want to talk openly to you, go. If they truly don’t want a visit or don’t want to deal with it at that time, don’t force it on them. Don’t confuse need to speak, call, contact, with friend’s need of privacy to come to terms with grief. Some kings or or important dignitaries, leaders buried in secret. Deuteronomy 34:5-7, Numbers 27:13-28 says God buried Moses Himself without gravestone marker, headstone, monument remain unmarked, Israelites not have idol worship. So Moses’ eternal soul rests in peace buried in the Moab valley opposite Beth Peor near Mount Nebo from plains of Moab near top of Pisgah. None knows where Moses’ body buried, concealed in grave stops people flocking to idolise him. In Jude 1:9 angel fought with Michael over Moses’ body, only unique burial by God. Moses’ body soul, alive in Transfiguration met Jesus with Elijah alive from heaven on Mount in Matthew 27:1-10.

loss-300x225 (1)Mourning state of total shock and disorientation exempts you from performing actions requiring attention to detail. Time is given off work at least minimum of 2 weeks plus due holidays to grieve and mourn. Time is needed to sort out paper work, fill in forms and to notify various agencies of the departed. In mourning people wear symbolic or an appropriate colour suitable for the age of the departed. To be able to attend unhindered to funeral arrangements it is important to dress appropriately. The family decided obligated choice agreed on to help support family. Immediately following burial mourning the mourner does not listen to music, go to concerts, does not attend joyous events or parties unless absolutely necessary. If a date set prior to death strictly forbidden or to be postponed cancelled. Week-long period of grief mourning observance referred to by time to grief. During this period all mourners traditionally gather the home and receive visitors. Mourners refrain for a week from showering or bathing, wearing leather shoes, jewelry, shaving. Some communities cover mirrors in the mourner’s home so they not concerned about their personal appearance. It is customary for mourners to sit on low stools or even the floor, symbolic of the emotional reality of being “brought low” by grief. Meal of consolation first meal eaten on return from funeral consists of hard-boiled egg or other round oblong foods. Biblical hospitality means during this seven-day period, family, friends or colleagues visit and call on mourners to comfort them. Is considered great time of kindness, compassion to pay respects to visit the mourners. No greetings are exchanged, visitors wait for mourners to initiate conversation. Mourner is not obliged to engage in a conversation and may completely ignore his/her visitors. Visitors take on hosting role, attending to guests, bringing food and serving it to the mourning family. Mourning family avoids cooking or cleaning during this period. Those responsibilities become that of visitors to ease burden and pain.


Acknowledgment. Death isn’t catching, but those who are bereaved might think so, judging by the fear they see in other people’s eyes. People are frightened about whether to come forward, about what to say, about saying the wrong thing so, in the end say nothing. All of that comes from a belief whatever you say should make things better but have enough wisdom to make the pain more bearable but you can’t or need to. Be kind enough to acknowledge them and their suffering is difficult enough. Offer to be there if they need you, suggesting that they should be the one to ring you, is probably asking too much of your friend at this time. It is better if you take the initiative and make contact, and then follow their lead: they may want to see or speak with you or not. Often, people don’t make contact because they feel they don’t know the bereaved person well enough. If you are erring one way or the other, better to err on the side of making contact.

Practical help. Doing practical things is often what really makes a difference. Don’t say, “Let me know if I can help”; actually do something helpful. At the beginning of a bereavement, there may be a lot of people around, so bringing food may be the best thing you can do. Taking food around for longer than the initial crisis is particularly appreciated.Traumatic-Bereavement-Ind1_m

Honesty. Be honest because honesty is comforting and easy to deal with. So direct honesty helps complex messiness of grief so an enormous relief to people. Be honest about what you actually can do rather than covering up because you feel guilty about what you can’t. And be specific to say, “I’m going to come round for half an hour” or come on Tuesday” don’t say, “I’ll come when you want, tell me, and I’ll be there”, and then find you can’t deliver on that offer.

Be sensitive. Being honest is important, as being sensitive. Promiscuous honesty is not a good idea. Be aware of showing too openly your life is trotting along as happily as can be, feels like you rubbing their nose in your happiness.

Be in it for the long haul. Remember to make contact and be supportive after everyone else has gone. Usually three months following the death, people get back to their lives, as they should. But it is by no means over for the person who is bereaved. Sending a text or popping is hugely supportive.Gay couple hugging and walking in park

Writing. Letters, cards, texts or emails: it doesn’t matter what you write – all are extremely helpful. It is better, however, to say that you don’t want a reply, because some people simply can’t respond. And it is never too late to send them. It is a welcome surprise to receive a card much later, because it is when everyone else has forgotten and your friend is still grieving. When you do write, try to make it personal and avoid tired cliches such as, “She’s had a good innings” or “Better to have loved and lost because they are trite in some way diminish personal importance of this very loved person who died. You don’t need to go into long explanations of why the person died or theological explorations about death; be loving and personal, warm and acknowledging.


Believers have assurance of eternal life in Christ so mourn with hope for their resurrection. In the Bible Jesus raised Lazarus from death, widow of Nain son, Peter raised Dorcas, Paul raised young man who fell dead sitting on a window ledge. The dead arose alive when Jesus was crucified and went into town seen by many people. We pray and ask GOD to raise loved one too in Jesus Name so thank God Jesus raised Lazarus. Bible says Christianity lasts beyond earthly life into heaven so mourn and grieve with hope in Jesus Christ. Christians call death falling asleep to pass into glory to be with God. Although grief pain hurts deeply and so feels tragic loss yet know future reunion family circle will be complete in heaven in the Presence of God Almighty. In the Rapture, the dead in Christ will first be resurrected to join those alive together to meet Christ in the clouds into heaven. The signs of the end times are predicted by Jesus in Matthew 24. So death is part of transition into eternal life although it is better to have loved ones on earth as members of a family, God calls them to higher service in heaven. Rest in peace safely beloved in the loving arms of God so no more sorrow, grief, pain, tears we love you and miss you terribly but God LOVES you more. We shall see you one day in Jesus Name for you are delivered because your name is found written in the BOOK OF LIFE according to Daniel 12:1-2. All asleep in Christ in dust of the earth wake to everlasting life in heaven in Glory in GOD’S PRESENCE. The Holy Spirit of God is our Comforter in times like these so we draw strength from the word of God to carry on in life in Jesus Name. GOD Our Father Comforts us too through His Love and Words of comfort from loved ones, friends and family. 

Extract from Grief Works by Julia Samuel



1561_A4_Email_Poster.inddWomen are rewarded less for loyalty and are paid up to a quarter less than their male colleagues in the most male-dominated occupations according to an analysis of gender gaps. While the UK’s overall gender pay gap been steadily shrinking over the years, the median salary for men working full-time is still nine per cent higher for women. And so defenders cite the fact that women tend to do different and less well paid jobs than men, earning less on average. New figures from the Office for National Statistics show the big discrepancies in pay between men and women engaged in similar job. The unequal occupations in terms of pay are skilled trades roles with the pay gap standing at 24.8 per cent among these jobs.IMG_20180117_155822 Chief Executives and Senior Officials came in a close second with a gender pay gap of 24.7 per cent. Same jobs % pay gap for full-time workers different occupations found the Chief Executives and Senior Officials Managers and Directors Other Managers, Proprietors Professional Associate Professional and Technical Administrative, Secretarial Skilled Trades Caring Leisure, Services Sales and Customer Service Process PlantMachine Operatives Elementary 12.5% all receive much higher pay than their female counterparts. So no coincidence that these roles are the ones which are the most male-dominated 92 per cent of employed in skilled trade occupations are men. This is known as occupational crowding. Whether through personal choice or discrimination during hiring process, women are less likely to enter these heavily male-skewed occupations, thus affecting pay.IMG_20180117_155345

Women rewarded less for jobs

In addition to finding a wide range of discrepancies on an occupational level, the ONS analysis also found that women’s pay peaks earlier than men’s (45 compared to 48 for men in the private sector) and that the gap accelerates sharply when workers enter their 40s. While the ONS ascribe this acceleration to women taking career breaks to have children necessary to multiply and replenish the earth. The analysis found women are rewarded less for job loyalty than men are. For example, a woman who has been in the same job for between five and 10 years earns an average of 8.7 per cent more per hour than a woman who has just started the same job. A man in the same situation earns 13 per cent more than a man with no experience in the role.

Discrimination in pay gap

The goal of this analysis from the ONS was to ascertain how much of the gender pay gap could be explained by examining characteristics such as age, occupation and job tenure. In the end, this model could only only account for 36.1 per cent of the variation found in the data, indicating that there are a lot of other factors could be biased against women. The report states:

“The analysis would benefit from information on family structures, education and career breaks; without these the unexplained element is over-stated. “Factors such as the number of children, the age of children, whether parents have any caring responsibilities, the number of years spent in school and highest level of qualification achieved are likely to improve the estimation of men’s and women’s pay structures and consequently decrease unexplained element of pay gap. “As a result, unexplained element interpreted as a measure of discrimination, although it is possible that this plays a part.”



Family gatherings stressful?

Sadly, according to a new study, many families the first argument starts just after 10.13 on Christmas morning – with four or five more before the day is over! This can happen in families who don’t see each other very often and are then all together at Christmas. Christmas is a big focus, but other times like Easter or weddings, funerals and other family get-togethers can bring about pressure points erupt into family arguments. And the little things that trigger rows can be simple perhaps even the preparation of lunch, when a cook is trying to prepare a delicious meal and resents doing all the work or the other family members interfering too much. Couples often get into arguments because one or both has had too much to drink. Its particularly difficult where there are stepchildren. A couple may have different ideas about how to bring them up, and big decisions of how much to spend on the Christmas presents can cause disagreements.Six ways to stay close when your children leave home

Blended Family Matters

Blended families with step children can be part of the challenges faced during a Christmas festivity. If you have children from a previous relationship and your partner does not, you might disagree over the children’s behaviour. Or, if your partner does have children who are with the other parent for a big occasion like Christmas or a holiday, the presence of your children can cause resentment. The disciplinary lifestyles can be different and each parent may be softer in dealing with own child. It is good to be self conscious and aware of a child’s needs to treat them equally well.

Repairing family relationships

In the cold light of January try to make up with the family members you have fallen out with, even if you think it’s not your fault or that they might not react well. Pluck up courage and talk to them, face to face if possible, or by telephone or letter. Here are a few tips.My secret to feeling great at 56? Just do it!

  • Don’t restart the argument, wait until the person you need to talk to is in a good mood and then tell them that it is so nice when you do get on together that you would like it to be like that more of the time.
  • Tell them how much you regret the argument, that you are sorry if you upset them and that you love or care about them. It takes courage to say you are sorry.
  • Tread sensitively, no angry voices or unkind words, and make the person feel listened to and hopefully they might respond in a similar manner.
  • Ask what they need from you and say what you need from them.
  • If they don’t feel the same way, avoid another row and say, ‘I just wanted you to know that I am sorry we argued.’
  • Don’t be afraid to go to counselling if things seem really bad, it could make you happier in the long run.
  • Finally, make it your January resolution to think about how you would like life to be different, whether that includes drinking or spending a little less, or to have better relationships with the ones you love.”
  • DIY hair care tips for when you’re starting to go grey
  • Share the work


    Some people like cooking but if all avalanche on you over Xmas I have had to be honest so.I keep Xmas day for my husband and children as I explain i can only cook and cope with so many .Boxing Day is a running buffet which I top up with mainly cold food or things I can cook in 20 mins that just need throwing in the oven. I get decorations together and others sort out the tree . If anyone wants special food or find them something missing ot can shop for it.

    Be Close to kids who left home

    Yes it’s the end of an era, but your children moving out can sometimes bring you closer than ever. Keep in touch with each other daily. It easy if you know how. Meet up regularly if possible and Skype, telephone, visit.

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maximum-win-when-puberty-goes-right_o_4965805Girls of puberty age face discrimination in society so says the news again. Some banned from crossing river because of monthly periods. Interestingly, God put period in girls for reproductive cycle to be fruitful, multiply to replenish earth according to Bible. Functions of human body are God’s creation so people need proper education to learn to understand these female conditions. Modern times show deataile scientific knowledge on menstruation. So schoolchildren learn biology so know scientific explanation of periods. Period means a girl’s womb is prepared for child-birth each month. The girl’s body waits through ovulation cycle when egg is released to receive the seed/s to become pregnant and to have children. But since girls are too young to bear children and still in education they are not ready to give birth yet. So each month the egg from the fallopian tube is released waiting for conception in the womb. Since no pregnancy takes place, egg and womb linings are shed as the ‘period’ in preparation for repeat of this cycle each month. After birth a womb is still busy continuing monthly cycle until menopause when period stop. A natural of fertility cycle of girls is being used as religious discrimination against young innocent girls. The tradition of outhouse for periods exists in cultures all over the world to keep girls in a special hut.

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The concept of sacred ground of homes and rivers is used to put girls in special huts for exclusively the periods. Elderly women train girls in personal hygiene and after periods they go back to family compounds. The idea is found in Bible too so women are considered “unclean” from sacred spaces during periods. And must have purification baths and must abstain from intimacy during periods. In some places menstrual cups, pads or special cloth is used by women during periods. For those not going through the periods they are allowed to cook, clean and do chores. Those in periods cannot enter the family compounds until after periods. In places where a girl is safe, warm and nearby home period is time of “break and rest” for the girls. Those isolated in places exposed to elements is unsafe, cold, some are at risk from the elements and animals roaming around. Girl’s education is interrupted so do not go to school. If they to ask teachers to be excused from classroom to change in school toilet, i can be embarrassing to tell male teachers such details by girls. So it was concluded by some societies to exclude them during periods. Education is not continued and so school work lags behind when in the hut. No lessons or homework given for missed classes and some it is assumed must not touch other things to ‘contaminate’ it. This why girls in periods are banned from the homes and school still an issue in some places. Other issues of sanitation or washing of cloth or disposing of used pads in home is of concern too. Often a sight of blood is considered sacred to must not touch or taint home or certain holy places. It is necessary to educate people periods are like any normal health experience. Talking-To-Boys-About-Puberty-Periods-And-Girls

Homeschooling during period if this is possible can be set up by the schools to ensure education of these girls are not compromised. Homework can be given but this idea is not popular so girls are affected. The elders making laws need to understand value of a girl’s education often misconstrued as waste of time or money. They say, after all girl’s just end up in kitchen so less education thought as easy way to control girls. This issue has several underlying causes needing to be addressed for the human rights of girls to have periods without attack on their education. In addition the societies can learn from others in other parts of the world on how a girls’ periods does not interrupt education. To some extent social stigma is attached to periods so a natural mood swings and mood changes or pain responded to as ‘oh it’s that time again.’ On other occasions, even if girl is not in their periods is assumed they are always daily going through the periodic cycle. Girls not allowed to touch certain objects in extreme cases even the Bible considered too Holy if in period. Periods-in-Developing-Countries-Header-1Period matters need to be dealt with very carefully in harmony with views of community which associated, interprets lack of rain or good harvests as results of human actions and behaviours. The people who are aware notice changes in the girls during periods so may feel it is inappropriate to socialize in that state. It is awkward for some men unaware of real meaning of a girl’s monthly cycles. Whatever methods girls choose or are available to that society, the well-being of girls must be ensured. Organisations can support by donating their essential personal hygiene items too expensive to buy in some places. The disposal must be done discreetly so the used pads not dragged by dogs from local damp sites. These needs are beyond young girls to meet by own efforts. So discrimination against girls must be reconsidered to stop ‘gods’ harrassing girls to realise God  ALMIGHTY created girls in HIS IMAGE to reproduce on earth.


Psalm 115:5 says gods have mouths, but cannot speak, eyes but not see so are just man-made idols in Habakkuk 2:18, 1 Kings 18 :26. God ALMIGHTY in the heavens demands veneration by people. Psalm 135:16 says gods have mouths but cannot speak, eyes but not see. A born again Christian believer in Christ is to practice WORSHIP of God only. Christ Shed His precious Blood to cleanse all people including girls in their periods. Believers cannot partake in any idolatry of gods or heathen practice if they claim to be saved. In the 21 century education available to bring an awareness and the relevant knowledge. This issue must be resolved properly to stop picking on the girls going through periods. It is not the fault of girls to put up with natural cycle tolerated monthly with no choice or any control over natural period issues.2-infographic-education God’s plans and purpose for girls is for birth of mankind so must be celebrated not punish girls for being in periods. In addition, a community’s actions are also known and seen by God who will hold decision makers accountable. So read Revelations 19:15 about God’s dealings with leaders in society. Isaiah 44:18 says gods know nothing, understand nothing their eyes do not see. They do not know or understand anything. God shuts their eyes so they cannot see; and so have no knowledge. Those who carry about their idols or pray to gods are like them. The Bible in Psalm 115:5 says those who are praying or praising gods of silver, gold, bronze, iron, wood, stone do not know Jehovah God. Children’s rights activists hit out at traditional leaders banning girls from crossing river while they are menstruating from going to school._99558170_b239af05-8ed2-4257-8153-64b56e998a53Yet Krobo girls in Somanya Ghana are dressed and taken to the riverside for Dipo bath rites. Any girl who dresses in this way is identified as ‘dipo-yo.’ On the Saturday morning the girls have ritual bath (aya-pa) at the riverside. The girl’s calabash contain sponge so proceeds to Srendor (stream) for spiritual bath. The chief priest is told when girl has period for the first time and grouped together with other girls. They are checked to be ensure they are virgins. After that they have a ritual bath in the river and are dressed beautifully in expensive kente, beads on head and around body. The point here is the Dipo god seems to not mind puberty girls in river they literally are bathed in. Later paraded in town to celebrate them by the whole town. This great source of tourism and hospitality attracts people from all over the world. Books are written about this practice. kroboIMG_20180112_103548But in the central region Ghana girls have been banned from crossing the River Ofin by traditional leaders, who say they are enforcing what they call a “directive” from a river-god. Children have to cross the river to get to school in Kyekyewere, in Upper Denkyira East district in the Central Region of Ghana. This means girls cannot attend school while they are on their periods. It is not on period days: a second order from the river gods bans all girls from crossing river on Tuesdays.  Remember Jehovah created rivers and oceans so all are free to cross it. Unicef’s menstrual hygiene ambassador Shamima Muslim Alhassan told BBC directive violates girl’s right to education and freedom of movement.

It seems the gods are really powerful aren’t they? Sometimes I think that we need to ask for some form of accountability from these gods who continue to bar a lot of things from happening, to account for how they have used the tremendous power that we have given them.”


PeriodTalk-Cloud-600River Ofin serves as boundary between Ashanti and Central Region. Central Regional Minister Kwamena Duncan given indications to coordinate with Ashanti regional minister to find solution. In Madagascar some females are told not to wash during periods and in Nepal some women are forced to sleep in huts away from the rest of the family. Girls in other cultures face this problem since education is becoming compulsory in many countries. Many cultures have myths and taboos around menstruation globally. This must be demystified and debunked to intervene on behalf of young girls to benefit from education. Kweggir Aggrey said if you educate a boy or man you educate an individual but if you educate a girl or woman, YOU EDUCATE A NATION. And behind every successful man is woman so men must listen to women at home, community or in corporate boardrooms for the greater good of society and girls. Stop harrassing young girls all over the world and study reproduction biology. Elijah told people to follow God only not any idols in the Mount Carmel contest by calling fire down to burn sacrifice of Yahweh the real true God. God proved to the people HE has greater power than the idols. Again Gideon was also told to cut down idol shrine grove to build new altar for God and sacrifice cow to God on the new altar. Almighty God does not share His Glory with idols so demands a complete total loyalty because HE IS A JEALOUS GOD. He wants to be the only one people worship not a bit of God and a bit of idols. So school girls must attend school daily in their period, given pads, personal hygiene kit, discreet changing rooms facilities and water to wash with.  




Saying No for the Sake of Your Wallet

Request: A friend in need asks for loan.
What you should say: “I wish I can but as a rule, I don’t lend money to friends.”
Why it works: So its clear you did not single out this person as untrustworthy.

You shouldn’t feel guilty: Lending any amount of money can cause problems, says the communications trainer Don Gabor. It changes nature of relationship if the person doesn’t pay you back.”
Avoid the situation in the future: Never lend money to friends, you won’t get reputation as a Mobile Bank ATM. 9f8eab4c34bbdd4065c5809378443d16

Request: A coworker wants you to chip in $25 for gift for colleague you would not recognize at the watercooler.

You should say: “Oh, I’ve never really had a conversation with Ian. I think I’ll wish him a happy birthday in person.”
Why it works: Chances are, the person taking donations has no idea how close you are (or are not) with the intended recipient. By clarifying nature of your relationship emphasises intention to get to know the person better. So you come across as thoughtful rather than cheap.
Why you shouldn’t feel guilty: A gift is not a gift if an obligation, says etiquette writers Kim Izzo and Ceri Marsh.
Avoid the situation in the future: If workplace gift giving is getting out of hand, take the lead in restoring sanity by circulating a card before someone can break out the gift-donation plate. Make sure others know you don’t expect anything on your birthday.How-to-say-no-to-your-boss-politelyRequest: Your third cousin asks to bring her boyfriend-of-the-month to your $150-a-plate wedding reception.

What you should say: “We’ve already had to make so many tough decisions to get the guest list down to size. We really can’t squeeze in/afford another guest. But I would love to have you two over for drinks sometime so I can meet him.”
Why it works: If you illuminate some of behind-the-scenes planning, cousin may get clue of inappropriateness of request.
Why you shouldn’t feel guilty: It’s your party and your pocketbook, says author Patti Breitman.
Avoid the situation in the future: Make calls before you put together the guest list to see the new additions you should consider as you plan.sayno

Saying No for the Sake of Your Time

Request: You are offered a promotion that you don’t want. Though it means more money, it demands more hours or more of what boss calls responsibility and you call tedium.
What you should say: “I’m flattered that you want me, but for personal reasons I’m not in a situation where I can take this on. Perhaps in a year from now things will be different. Can we talk again if my circumstances change?”
Why it works: If in enviable dilemma boss will understand you have personal priorities that take precedence.
Why you shouldn’t feel guilty: By saying no to more time at the office, you’re saying yes to other things you cherish, long walks alone at sunset or evening time with your children.
Avoid the situation in the future: “If a position opens up at your workplace, you could let it be known that you are not in the running,” Breitman suggests. Being forthright saves your manager the trouble of pursuing a candidate who isn’t interested.maxresdefault (4)

Request: You are asked to coordinate bake sale again at your child’s school.
What you should say: “I know I am going to disappoint you, but I’ve decided not to volunteer this year, because I will feel stressed. Is there any way to get some of the other parents to step up?”
Why it works: People feel manipulated into doing something like The ice cream social won’t happen without your help! If address the problematic pattern of one person’s doing all the work, you sidestep manipulation. If you say no, it force others never get asked to say yes.
You shouldn’t feel guilty: “You’ve done your fair share, and now others can do this job,” says Robinson.
Avoid the situation in the future: Encourage school leaders to present the problem to all parents,” says Robinson. “If people know an important program may fail, usually remedy situation.maxresdefault (3)Request: If invited to distant relative’s annual Lobster Lua, 14th year in row.

You should say: “I’ve really had fun in the past, but I can’t make it this year. That week is already packed for me.”
Why it works: “You’ve explained it in a way that doesn’t sound like a personal rejection,” says Robinson. “And you’ve asked for understanding, based on your need to take stress out of your schedule. Everyone can identify with that.”
Why you shouldn’t feel guilty: You have only so much free time―and so much tolerance for flying lobster goo. “Don’t R.S.V.P. yes, then back out at the last minute or, worse, not show up at all,” say Izzo and Marsh. “That is the least decorous way of handling invite.”
Avoid the situation in the future: In a note, thank the relative for thinking of you and explain that because you tend to be busy at this time of year, he should feel free to take you off his invite list.maxresdefault (2)

Request: Boss asks you to supervise this season’s intern last seen with feet up on a desk, iPod on, Gameboy in hand.
What you should say: “Wow, that’s an interesting project. I’m really busy with the ABC assignment right now, so let me know if you want me to re-prioritize.”
Why it works: “Asking boss to prioritize tasks for you means so do not have to actually say “no,” Breitman says. If told to just squeeze the new task in, then do it. But keep a list of all the extra work you’ve done for your next review.
You shouldn’t feel guilty: You really do have enough work to do as it is.
Avoid the situation in the future: If extra tasks keep getting dumped on your desk, ask your boss for a meeting. Explain that the added assignments are making it hard to do your primary job properly. Ask if she wants to review your job description and renegotiate your salary while she’s at it.  AAEAAQAAAAAAAANxAAAAJDczZjg2NDEyLTE1Y2QtNDllNi1hNjIwLWY2MzgyYzc0YTA2Mg

Say No for the Sake of Your Sanity

Request: A friend asks to borrow car because own in shop to repair dent got while driving, talking on phone, and unwrapping juice-box straw.
What you should say: “I do not lend anything worth more than $1,000.” Try to avoid “I don’t have insurance for a non-family member, insurance policies cover the car, not specific drivers. If friend got into accident, it could make your premium go up. If you have time, offer her a ride instead.
Why it works: “Avoid blame on you,” explains author Patti Breitman. “Don’t indicate you don’t trust the friend.”
Why you shouldn’t feel guilty: “Your car is probably the first or second most valuable thing you own,” says Breitman. “You’re protecting a big financial asset.” Plus, if friend gets accident relationship might be totalled, too.
Avoid the situation in the future: Let your friends know that while you’re typically a generous lender (“Of course you can borrow my snorkeling gear!”), your car is off-limits. Say-NO-pic

Request: A guest offers to bring seven-layer dip to party. But doesn’t really go with Greek theme you planned.
What you should say: “What a kind offer thank you. I have already planned the menu, but do you have any dietary restrictions I should know about? Be nice and ask to bringing something, like bottle of wine or a loaf of bread.
Why it works: Acknowledging the offer of generosity let person know did all they could. If the person has dietary restrictions so cooking difficult for you, relent and let bring a dish to eat.
Why you shouldn’t feel guilty: Person offered to be courteous. Saying no, you gives license to relax, enjoy hospitality.
Avoid the situation in the future: When you invite people, ask if there is anything they don’t eat, because you want to make sure your menu works for everyone. Emphasize the word menu, so people know that you have a plan or a theme for the meal (and so they won’t try to upset it).thumbs-down

Request: Future sister-in-law wants to throw baby shower you don’t want fuss.
What you should say: “I really don’t want a party, but thank you so much for offering. Why don’t we splurge on visit to a day spa instead?”
Why it works: “Not everyone likes a party in honour or wants to be center of attention with a paper plate of bows on her head,” says etiquette writers Kim Izzo and Ceri Marsh. Unless she has her own agenda, she should understand.
Why you shouldn’t feel guilty: “If you decline, you are taking away pleasure from the people who care about you, but it is occasion to shout about or be quiet about,” say Izzo and Marsh.
Avoid the situation in the future: Announce what you would prefer to do instead of a shower before anyone offers to throw one.