NARCISSIST ABUSE VICTIMS

IMG-20190408-WA0000.jpgThe term describes narcissists who cons abused victims who are nice and decent people. A smear campaign launched by a narcissist makes them victims too in the situation. Ultimate goal of narcissist is to create maximum drama and chaos with themselves at the center of it. Their reason is all the negative attention feeds their insatiable ego. The more the chaos they can cause, the more important they feel. Their next victim is used to bully or to taunt, insult and further break down their last victim or if friends, family or children of the narcissist. They bully or encourage victim back to the narcissist for reconcilation. Look at what she or he made me do! This is a most common phrase in abusive relationship but these well-intentioned misled enforcers help to endorse actions in motion. The worse or more public and undeniable the bad behaviour by the narcissist is, the more abused victims needed to protect image and work to attack their victims. After exhibiting such bad behaviour of lying, cheating, stealing or all of the above, the narcissist goes running to inner circle exclaiming, ‘Look at what s/he made me do! Simultaneously blames both for their bad behaviours and never takes responsibility for their actions. Their  bad behaviour does not fit in with the carefully constructed public image the narcissist created for himself. Victims buy into the narcissist’s explanation of events and get all riled up wanting to come to their defense. To outsiders the situation and the narcissist is seen for what they are as a master manipulator who is the problem, not everyone else.wp-1554735998255..jpgTheir new victims quickly becomes the target, as they are now perceived to be the problem. According to the narcissist, the spouse is never home, does not pay attention to them or would not have sex with them. Blames their new victim for throwing themselves at them so in their mind it is not their fault for cheating! After all, look at what they made them do! So sets in motion: harassing emails, phone calls, text messages, driving by the victim’s home, hang up calls, mean and cruel posts on social media so that the victim and her family can see them, gossip, spreading lies launching a smear campaign against a victim that portrays them as crazy, evil, lazy, manipulative, selfish and uncaring. The narcissist has projected everything they are and done onto their victim, and they gone to great lengths to cultivate stellar public image their new victims believe them. Here’s a snippet of a conversation from a former victim of the narcissistic abuser: “OMG. Now I see what a crazy psycho he really is I feel some major empathy for his ex-girlfriend. He described her as utterly crazy, and said she’d even broken into his house. He said she was jealous and just couldn’t get over him, that he’d been trying to get rid of her for years, that he’d lost jobs because of her, and that she just kept stalking him. He wanted her to get the picture things were really over between them, and that he loved me, and joked that we should send her pictures and videos of us in bed, maybe she’d get it. So I did. I got her email and emailed her all kinds of things. Now I wonder if any of what he said was even true. I was so mean and insensitive to her situation. I wish I’d been nicer. They were together for four years. I can’t imagine craziness and hurt she’s going through.”1554717145784513078032.jpgBecause narcissists don’t think of people as people but in terms of “Supply” they always make sure to have ready supply handy for when they need a fix which is all the time. Without their supply, they cannot function so is why the narcissists are never single or alone for any length of time. This leads them to create supply chain of victims of plan A, B, C or so on depending on level of availability. Let it be clear everyone known to a narcissist is part of their supply chain: the friends, significant others, co-workers, church members, and especially their children. The order of Supply Chain is continually under evaluation and shuffled around by the narcissist. The spot of Supply A changes from their spouse, to a person they are cheating with, to their friends, coworkers and children. It is whoever strokes their ego most at that moment, as well as who has the most they can mooch off of earns that spot. If a target wants to leave that spot, because they are tired at losing at a game they never intended to play, the narcissist releases his new victims to get them back in line or create a smear campaign in order to devalue and discredit them and move on to next victim. And when it comes to sources of supply of significant others, a narcissist replaces them with lightning-fast speed. It’s so fast both victim A and victim B did not even see it coming. Due to the unexpectedness of this situation the narcissist is generally able to create suckers out of both victim A and victim B, pitting them their friends, children and other members of family, church and work, etc. against each other. The narcissist sits back and sucks up all the attention from them, used to validate their self-importance and self-worth.1554736812913-689469692.jpgThe narcissist has no remorse, empathy, accountability for their actions. They are perpetual victim, and everything is about them nothing is ever their fault. It is after order of narcissist’s supply line is reshuffled their victims see just how cruel and callous they really are. Their lack of empathy and remorse is hard for their targets to comprehend. They often wonder if they knew who they were in relationship to begin with. Then their confusion, fueled by anger intentionally made worse by additional crazy making provoking behaviour by themself. Often their intention to turn the victim’s rage against other sources of supply turned them into the most vicious entertaining abusive Victim, joins narcissistic queue. The second victim is manipulated by the narcissist to feel better than first Victim. Their behaviours also includes inflicting additional torment of the real Victim/s by spreading false gossip and harassing phone calls, emails, texts, posting on the victim’s Facebook page or social media, notifying a Victim’s family to blackmail ignorant of a narcissist’s awful negative behaviour. Comments made to victim B is along lines of, “Die bitch,” “Slut,” “You are nothing to him, we are married and have kids, I hope you suffer you stupid whore,” “Don’t you have respect? Go find your own wo/man,” “You should do the world a favour and kill yourself.”1554736863592570340261.jpgIf the narcissist spoke to friends, family or church members about his version of the situation, their responses are along lines of, “You need to give them another chance, you have kids together,” “Don’t you value marriage? It’s a commitment after all and you made a vow to honour it,” “Think of the kids,” “The Christian thing to do is forgive and forget,” “They will change,” “All couples have issues so work through it.” Though the comments made to Victim A seems kind than ones made to Victim B, they are not reflecting different the true forms of a narcissist’s victimization for years. Slowly cracking under stress of trying to do or be better walking on eggshells he does not up and leave out of the clear blue yet again. The minimization, deflection, denials of the narcissist’s bad behaviour to their new Victim serves to erode self-esteem and perception of reality. Maybe things are not that bad if these trustworthy people are encouraging me to stay. Both forms of comments made by Victims can and do lead to severe emotional trauma or suicide of their abused Victims. Susie and John are married but John dropped Susie and replaced her with Molly. No one saw this coming not even Susie and Molly. John told Molly he is unhappily married for years and him and his wife in separate bedrooms and live together because the wife can’t afford to move out so he’s doing her a favour. John has fun with Molly a few weeks or months is giving Susie silent treatment and refusing to let her really know what happened or why. The more silent or aloof John is the longer it gives him time to play and drain his backup supply. Although Susie wants answers why John seems aloof, she knows John is a compulsive liar and won’t get the truth anyhow. After John gets his fix off Molly the next in line is his narcissistic Victim He returns to Susie with the story Molly threw herself at him and Molly is crazy/ bipolar/an addict/alcoholic and he cannot believe he fell for her tactics. He is the ‘victim’ of Molly. If only Susie had been more attentive at home/had sex more often and lost weight, etc. this would have never happened. And so his cheating is her fault. …Of course he was telling Molly Susie is crazy/bipolar/ and addict/alcoholic and he can’t believe he fell for her tactics creates triangulation. Unknown to either women they both and friends, family, coworkers, children all think the other woman is the problem. The other woman is crazy /bipolar and an addict, alcoholic so their relationship with the narcissist will be perfect if the other woman was out of the picture. So each woman is completely duped by the narcissist and the wife thinks girlfriend is a tramp not knowing all lies narcissist told her to manipulate her into having sex by Victim B status and the girlfriend thinks the wife is crazy, because look at the way she is acting spurred on by him.1554736714944513078032.jpgThe two sets of Victims he created serve their same master and he continually provokes hate by both Victims driving each other to emotional breakdowns and sometimes suicide. The more their damage is done, the more the narcissist takes delight in it, as their insatiable ego is stroked by Victims A and B fighting over them and other Victims reassuring or reinforcing how great a person they are. Notice the narcissistic created this mess managed to manipulate situation to become the ‘victim’ and has everyone working toward their evil outcome. So after years of ongoing behaviour lying and cheating it does not and will never stop the Victim confuses codependency with commitment so mistakenly thinks they are in a marriage but in fact they are in a manipulation. This confusion sends Victims to double up her efforts to save their “marriage,” and she buys into his manipulation issues as the problems with their marriage. The Victim spends countless sessions in therapy, reading self-help books or attending marriage retreats, while narcissist pretends to be invested in working things out at least for a few days or weeks or sits back and laughs as he dupes both targets again.

Dealing with Narcissistic Cycle Abuse

Educate Yourself: Get information to learn about narcissistic dependency and abusive relationships. Be strong, whole and do not depend on them.  

Get support. Personal therapy required in abused relationship to stop emotional or psychological and physical hurts get information on legal resources, hotlines, and domestic violence shelters.

Detach. Do not react or take personally their words and actions be empowered to reject their opinions of you or others. 

High Self-Esteem. Confidence in God to know your ability stops self-criticism to rebuild your self-worth through Christ. 

Be Firm: Be active to speak your mind, mean what you say in the appropriate tone of voice even if you feel angry. If argument peaks, walk away, agree not not follow each other, take a break, give private space to calm and cool down. 

Boundaries: Agree in advance when to speak about certain issues and how to resolve conflict using keywords to stop. IMG-20190404-WA0001.jpg

Reblogged/Adapted: Thrive After Narcissist Abuse

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Dana

I am a self-help, former advocate for victims of domestic violence, current psychiatric RN, as well as a recovering victim of narcissistic abuse. My goal is to educate, empower, and inspire other abuse victims in understanding more about what happened to them and how to prevent it from happening again and to go on to rebuild an amazing life.

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