Domestic abuse begins to show signs during dating although it may seem as genuine love, affectionate caring concern at first at the beginning of a relationship. The partner devotes time and attention all day long calling, texting, tweeting, on face booking, instagraming, viber, whats upping, blogging, selfieing, showering with gifts person to pays extra attention. This wonderful novelty of relationship blossoms overlooks danger signals and warnings from concerned relatives. One may be dined and wined, taken on holidays, pampered, cars bought for, designer clothes, etc.
This assures partner of place in the loved one’s heart to reciprocate to extend similar affection if possible. Focus is more on external aspect of the relationship of keeping up appearances. By loving the attention physical intimacy becomes addictive weapon of control. So used to manipulate seduce abusive partner who in turn is charming. May be great provider or perhaps main source of income. So the partner bends over backward to tolerate and accommodate for the sake of putting up to maintain acquired sophisticated lifestyle standard. With such motives keep up a front, get married or remain together in denial. Some feel too ashamed and embarrassed to speak out or seek help so suffer in silence and battle on at personal cost.
Some continue abuse with more expensive reward gifts compensating victim. To the outside world it seems couple’s life perfectly beautiful, glamorous homes, luxury cars, jets, designer clothing, fame, fortune. Provider becomes possessive obsessed with egotistic investments buying affection of trophy partner for status. As time goes by victim becomes more attached. Then abuser takes further control so strips victim of normal actions like asking them to stop smiling, or crying, clothes to wear until victim is totally lost self and deprived of human dignity. Unaware of emotional transition taking place is isolated by a partner who retains them exclusively. Any slight comment and body language, eye contact with others become an issue. Jealousy means boundaries blurred, phone calls monitored, call history checked, password violated by insecure partner who harrasses and constantly accuse them of yet are ones guilty of cheating.
They are restricted or confined to the home while abuser freely goes out. Can talk to certain people at certain times so not allowed out with friends, family or colleagues. Meanwhile partner is free to do as they please without meeting such a required demand from victim. Many spend lives in search of success, seeking physical material values. After attaining such values if all is well relationship is wonderful. However, relationship misrepresented in Mills and Boons as happily ever misleads people who find reality is not exactly as expected. So start picking on each other’s faults known and seen all along but ignored danger signals. Some partners assume love will fix everything and intimacy will seal the deal. Yet with time habits become irritating.
Razor sharp vitriol mouths are texting, constantly victim calling non-stop asking partner to account for every action for second of the day. It seems at first like caring love but nuisance call. Victim is blamed for problems in relationship. In instant disposable throw away culture unhappy abuser looks for another. So shifts attention and focus to new partner instead of dealing with own insecurities. Thrill excitement of new relationship overrules redressing current imbalanced relationship. Provider thinks is above correction so cannot be challenged by partner as they feel they have not done anything wrong. So abuser continues with next victim. If they do it with you as new partner fuelling strive discord to snatch partner they do it to you too.
Although conned and manipulated to feel better or superior to previous partner one joins the victim list. If previous tie not properly cut off before current relationship starts may be entangled in each other’s business in unhealthy way. The partner wants to retain the partner but wants extras alongside. If challenged threatens to leave, kill, or maim partner. Close friends, family sense all is not well but both deny it saying everything is alright. Perpetrator becomes the victim’s only life-line so develops Stockholm syndrome yet in touch with ex. God says forsake all ex to take hold of spouse. They see perpetrator as genuinely loving person on one hand yet verbally and physically abuser on the other hand. Such mixed messages confuse victim who refuses to believe they are abused so live in denial. The partner may intensify physical or verbal abuse. Issue of abuse is bigger than known publicly as it takes place mostly behind closed doors. The victim covers up for bruises, broken body with numerous scars excused.If reported by well wishers, victim refuses to press charges as charmed and manipulated by perpetrator. Other times, stress, debt pressure, ill health, cause abuse so it is important to deal with the underlying causes of tension and violence not to project problems onto others.
The current partner is undermined so made to feel responsible for partner’s misery and unhappiness. So blackmails victim using same channels and avenues used to woo partner at the beginning of relationship.This continues till both separate bedrooms, mealtimes etc yet continue addictive side of intimacy. Let your yes be yes do not send mixed messages about the relationship. Some adopt open mutual fiduciary agreement to engage in side relationships alongside current partner. Be clear what you need in relationship and your role to build each other up.Over time it may complicate matters so one partner wants out or feels they invested too much in to leave so compromise with abuse. The perpetrator lives in denial with excellent reputation outside in position of power and authority in some cases. The victim is made to look like a mentally unsound villain trouble maker who is attention seeking and wants to undermine partner. Things get worse as partner is involved with another partner as open secret known to all except suspicious partner told they must be dreaming.Soon the partner senses something does not add up. If children are involved the abuser wants to eat their cake and have by playing their cards right. They main provider wants to keep an upper hand to maintain both relationship to their advantage. The victim may threaten to leave but actually not able to do so without support. The provider takes back wealth to punish so refuse to maintain children. They humiliate, diminish, wear out partner to feel insecure emotionally to damage victim so be aware and reject scorn labels. Sometimes the abuser feels the right to control partner’s letters so intercept them to cause delay to important hospital appointments, family visits, or relevant general information for the well-being of partner. With children as baggage in tow, may lose out on work opportunities by relying solely on partner as provider. It is an intricate complicated intense emotional set up as changes in relationship builds up tension and resentment. The partner may not want victim but will not let go to seek happiness elsewhere. It is like if they cannot have and own that partner nobody else must have them. Above all, the thought of another partner raising their children enrages them with possibility of a new family unit they are excluded from being part of. With court orders and shared parenting visitation rights their new relationships feel interfered with. One relationship has been exchanged with a new set of problems with children bearing the brunt of changes. The two most loving couple become sworn enemies who cannot stand each other or be in the same room unsupervised. Some cultures do not allow ex to be alone or in same room with others around. Including compromise involved, give and take, respect, kindness, generosity, difficult challenging times faced together. Changes of the times means family support sometimes is unavailable for the couple. Pressure and stresses of isolation cause domino affect on the couple. Those afraid feel they cannot survive without perpetrator’s input so refuse to leave hope and believe things will get better to change partner. However if things get worse victim becomes more vulnerable. By isolating victim often friends and family may be incapable of knowing how to protect victim.Some think they cannot find anyone to love them or fear loneliness so tolerate abuser. It is better to value life to choose to live safely before it becomes too late and be sorry. No human being can satisfy or fulfil like Christ so people must stop impossible demands on partners by battering them and blaming them for not being happy. Or accusing them of not cooking, cleaning, waiting on them well hand and foot. They are lazy so refuse to lift a finger to help domestic chores and duties. Do not send mixed message to confuse partner. God made people perfectly whole in His Own Image so source of life, love, strength whether single or coupled so find Biblical soul care.
Relationships must be told the truth of the reality and responsibility of relationship as a costly business. It is sacrifice, compromise for peace, harmony respect. Remember some abusers are friends, acquaintance, neighbours, colleagues, loved ones known to you who once vouched and vowed you can count on them so promised you the moon. Until they turned into control freaks using rude comments, sarcasm, innuendos, snarky vicious comments, to insult and attack. Do not accept, receive negative feedback maligned comments. Rise above to get help with talking therapy and counselling. Seek back up support, move house to refuge centre, change phone, avoid 3rd party influence friends who update abuser of whereabouts. Be alert, watch out for own personal safety. Do not assume anyone is actively protecting you to keep up your guard to save your life. Once an abuser always abuser unless miracle takes place to change stony heart to heart of flesh. Meet in public supervised by professionals in secure contact centres until children are old enough to defend themselves. Be sensible not to involve children in adult conflict to bear brunt of broken relationship.
There is always Christ, the Light at the end of the darkest tunnel. You can only change yourself not anybody so focus to heal and thrive in Jesus Name. Avoid rebound relationship to be used, abused and dumped. God will allow what you allow by permissive will. God may not approve but allow you to find out yourself what He already knows in advance. You have authority in the earth so be honest and love yourself first to be able to interact and love others in a healthy way for finding true joy. Be accountable to experienced couples with Godly track record reputation as testimony. Learn from mistakes, transform and renew your life in Jesus Name.